moving on to a new blog site...

Hi friends... it's been wonderful writing here in blogger, it being my first blog and all, but i've decided to move up to a new blog site.

I've ported over all my old posts to my new blog and i'm organizing them as well so its easier to read.

I hope you still continue to read my ramblings.

please do visit me at my new blog:

http://mytwocentavos.wordpress.com

Hope to see you all there!

Cosmo Body Update

Okay, it's been about close to a month when I started taking Cosmo Body. I've already finished one bottle and I'm on my second.

People have really noticed the weight loss, even people at work who see me everyday (which normally won't notice weight loss until its glaring because they see you everyday).

Back then when I started gaining the weight and going up sizes, I took all my smaller sized clothes and those that did not fit anymore and put them in a box. Just last weekend, I sifted through my boxes and tried on some of my clothes and they fit!!!

Not all of them fit though, but it was such a treat to be able to wear almost half of my "stored" skinny clothes.

My pants are also a bit loose now.

To date, I've lost about 14 lbs already. I know the weight loss isn't that big since I already lost about 10 lbs in one week, but I stopped looking at the weighing scale now and started focusing on how my body looks and my clothes fit.

This is so exciting!

Cosmo Body 7-Day Challenge: The RESULTS!! (June 14, 2009)

For 7 days I tried my best to be faithful to the Cosmo Body 7-Day Challenge. Save for the last day where all hell broke loose, I think I was able to stay as close as possible to the meal plan.

I stepped on the weighing scale with so much anticipation I felt like I was watching the final results show of American Idol (haha in case the reference is lost to you guys, I'm a big AI fan).

Anyhow, I stepped on the weighing scale and guess how much i lost?

(drum roll, please...)

10 lbs!!!!

I couldn't describe what I was feeling when I saw the needle stop at 180 lbs. What I do know is that I'm not stopping at 10 lbs. I've been going to the gym religiously for about two weeks now and so far people have started noticing the weight loss. My clothes also fit better now. (yay me!)

I know I could have lost a lot more if I didn't pig out when I went to the province, but I realized that couple of pounds not lost is nothing compared to seeing my mom smile while I was wolfing down the meal she slaved over in anticipation for my homecoming.

So here's hoping I continue the weight loss.

Anybody care to join me on this journey?

Cosmo Body Day 7: All Diet Hell Breaks Loose (June 13, 2009)

A little dramatic huh?

Day 7 was a Saturday and I went home to the province to visit my mom since it was going to be a long weekend. That's when all diet hell broke loose. While on the way to the province, I promised myself that I wasn't going to eat anymore and stick to my diet. They're aware of my uh, diet experiments.

When I got home at about 9 p.m., I found out that my mom cooked Turbo Broiled Liempo for dinner and Misua Soup (uh-oh). A few minutes of smelling a home-cooked meal and I could feel all my strength and resolve slowly waft away.

I told myself that I was just going to eat a small portion not to hurt my mom's feelings (she kept telling me that she decided to cook Turbo Broiled Liemp and Misua Soup because I was going home and that she knew I haven't had a decent meal for a couple of weeks). What appeared to be small bites turned into a big serving and helped my self to seconds.

I thought to myself quietly... "oh there goes the Cosmo Body 7-day Challenge!"

Truth be told, I did enjoy the dinner and what I enjoyed most about it, is that I made my mom happy.

Next up... the RESULTS!!

Cosmo Body Day 6: All the Beef and Veggies I Want (June 12, 2009)

Finally, feast day has arrived! woohoo!

For Day 6, I can eat all the Beef and veggies to my heart's content. I decided to go all the way and my boyfriend and I went to Sweet Inspirations at Katipunan Ave where I ate all you can eat Mongolian Bowl.

Okay okay, before you raise your arms in protest, my bowl was just all Beef and veggies. No rice, noodles, no pork, chicken, or even fish. So basically, it's really just sauteed beef and veggies. But boy, was it really good! As much as I wanted to eat a lot, I was only able to finish about two half-filled bowls

For Day 7, its supposed to be brown rice, fruit juices and veggies.

Cosmo Body Day 5: Beef and Tomotoes (June 11, 2009)

I know it's been long and overdue... I've been quite busy the past few days and it's only now that I've been able to complete my posts.

Okay, so Day 5's meal plan consists of two 10 oz. beef and six tomotoes. At first I thought, 10 oz. wasn't a lot, but when I converted it to kilograms, it's roughly abot 1/2 a kilo.

I already bought hamburger patties at the grocery and decided to cook them with the tomatoes. I sauteed them with garlic power, white and black pepper.


Believe me, it tastes better than it looks. hehe It's sorta tastes like keema (one of those grilled beef thingies at persian/kebab places).

For dinner I bought beef strips from the grocery and marinated it with garlic powder, calamansi and lots and lots of pepper. I fried it with canola oil and after that, I took out most of the oil and used it to stir-fry the veggies (bell peppers, tomotaoes and mushroom). Now, this sounds a lot better in theory than how it turned out (hahaha). The beef turned out a bit tough because I let it fry for too long, and the stir fried veggies were uh, tasteless.

Day 6 is a feast day because I can eat all the beef and veggies I want. yay!

Your Song

You sometimes forget how much a song has an impact on you at one point in your life until you hear it again. Just recently, I was at the smoking lounge of my office building when an all too familiar song played on my iPod. It was "Love Me For What I Am" originally sung by the very talented Karen Carpenter. I was listening to the version of Martin Nievera and I couldn't help but remember that point in my life when the song was so apt and fitting. Knowing that an "emo" moment was about to come, I smiled to myself and shrugged the memories away. I told myself that I wasn't in the same situation anymore... heck, I'm in a better place now.

The song did however, make me think about two couples (friends of mine) who are in the similar situation I found myself oh so many years ago. One of them had broken up but can't admit the break up to themselves, and the other couple is at a crossroads of their relationship and are deciding whether they should break up or remain together, despite the miles separating them.

It's amazing how a song, whether it be a love song, pop song, alternative rock/pop, etc., can capture life's moments and tell a story in 3-4 minutes. Songs have been written about love, sacrifice, family, religion, and even war. Unless you're melophobic (read: fears/hates music) songs have been a part of our lives from the time we hear our first lullaby, down to the last song sang to us during our farewell services (eek, morbid much?).

And I'm sure, that no matter what happens to my friends, they will find a song that when they listen to come a few years after, they will think back and remember this point of their lives.

So what's your song?

'nuff said.

Cosmo Body Day 4: Bananas & Milk (er, Choco Milk)

I can't believe how fast time flies! I'm on the 4th day of the Cosmo Body 7-Day Challenge! The meal for Day 4 consists of eight (8) bananas, two (2) glasses of milk and supposedly the Special Soup.

I didn't have time to cook the special soup and I couldn't find the Lipton Onion Soup pack required to make it, so I decided to make good with the banana-milk combination. Also, since I don't drink milk, I again decided to deviate from the plan and got myself Selecta Choco. Selecta Choco was the one with the least number of calories then other brands.

So I went to the gym again tonight and after a good work out, I weighed myself again.

(drum roll please...)

I lost a total of 7 lbs as of today!!!!

I'm very happy at how the lbs just seem to melt away. I told myself when I started the 7-day Cosmo Body Challenge that I wouldn't count the lbs and just base the weight loss on how my body looks, which has always been my motto regarding weight loss. I am a firm believer that weight is not that important as one can weigh heavily but still look great because of big bone structure, muscle weight, etc. But man, I just can't help looking at the scale and get excited when I weigh myself.

Can't wait to weigh myself on the 7th day and see how much i've lost.

Cosmo Body Day 3: Fruits and Veggies

Day 3 of the 7-Day Cosmo Body Challenge is about a mixture of the food for day 1 and 2, which are fruits and veggies.

I started my day with DOLE apple slices I bought from 7-11. For lunch, I bought a mixed greens salad with vinaigrette dressing. For dinner, I deviated slightly from the meal plan. hehe. I was at the mall when I passed by Mongolian Quick Stop. I was really hungry and couldn't help myself. So I bought a Green and Lite Mongolian Bowl which is all the vegetables you can heap on your bowl. I opted out of noodles and rice. I didn't really feel that guilty while eating it because I figured that it was just like eating sauteed veggies.

Will weigh in tomorrow and post my progress. *excited*

Cosmo Body Day 2: Veggies

So... I'm on my second day of the Cosmo Body Challenge and again, so far so good. Day 2 is all about veggies.

For breakfast, I had a large baked potato which I bought from Oliver's Super Sandwiches. I had to order mine special since Oliver's doesn't offer plain baked potato. I asked the Oliver's people to just put little butter and season it with a pinch of salt and pepper for the added taste.

For Lunch and Afternoon snacks, I ate mixed greens salad with vinaigrette dressing. Again, I bought the salads from Oliver's, since most of the restuarants near the office did not offer vinaigrette dressing.

Today was way harder than yesterday. Although I enjoy eating salads, I normally have meat/seafood mixed in with the veggies which makes it more filling. Today, I could only eat the leafy green vegetables and couldn't mix it with anything. I was really tempted to add grilled chicken, which is very low in calories, but decided I needed to stick to the meal plan if I wanted to achieve the best results.

By late afternoon, I was really hungry and knowing that I was going to the gym later made me want to eat something for the energy. I was bent on buying a low fat chicken hotdog at 7-11. I chose to buy Dole apple slices instead. I told myself that if I was going to deviate from the meal plan, it was better to eat a fruit than the chicken hot dog.

I went to the gym to do some light cardio and boy was I in for a surprise. Since I started taking cosmo body yesterday, I didn't really experience the profuse sweating that some people have experienced, and I was wondering if Cosmo Body was effective for me. A couple of minutes in the spinner (bike used for spinning classes) and I was surprised to find out that I was drenched! My hair was flat on my head and my clothes clung to my body. I looked like someone who just came in from the rain.

After a very good work out, I decided to face the weighing scale and see if there's any progress...
...
...
...

As it turns out... I lost 3 pounds!!! Yay me! I hope this keeps up so I can achieve my 10 lbs weight loss by this coming Sunday.

*fingers crossed*

Cosmo Body Day 1: Fruits

Day 1 starts with eating all fruits except bananas.

The Cosmo people suggest eating lots of melons. Since I'm not a big melon lover, I started my day with a Melons I bought from the grocery and mixed it with DOLE Tropical Fruit Cups just to add a bit of flavor.

So far so good... (yeah right). I went to the mall after cleaning my apartment and I was suddenly very aware that I was surrounded by soo may kinds of food and how much I wanted to give in to the temptation. It's funny how everything looks so tasty when you're constrained to a specific meal. hehehe

With much resolve, I held my ground and was able to fend off the cravings by buying a fruit shake (with no syrup).

Tomorrow's going to be veggie day. (ugh, can't wait.)

Cosmo Body Measurements

Okay, so just to be able to track my progress, I took the following measurements:

Weight: 190 lbs
Waist: 37 inches (whoa!)
Chest: 42.5 inches.

Here's hoping that I lose a couple of inches after this experiment! Can't wait to post the results after 7 days!.

Wish me luck!

The 7-Day Cosmo Body Challenge

I've finally done it!!

Okay okay... what exactly have I done this time, you ask?

Well, I have successfully let my body go and the allowed all the hard work I did about two years ago to go down the drain. Darnit!

In an attempt to regain my uh, previous glory, I attempted to undertake the OSOM experiment (read down a couple of posts to get an idea of what I am talking about). That ship has sunk and I am on to a new experiment.

While mindlessly surfing through the net a couple of days ago, I stumbled upon a forum about a L-Carnitine and Green Tea capsule called "Cosmo Body". Cosmo Body is a new diet supplement which uses high concentrations of L-Carnitine and Green Tea as slimming agents, which then convert stored fat in your body to energy. Unless you've been living under a rock for about a year or so, you will have seen varied food and/or beverage products which appear to be fortified with L-Carnitine. The L-Carnitine craze was made more popular when Del Monte released its L-Carnitine infused drink, "fit n' right".

Those who used and still use Cosmo Body swear that they lost a couple of pounds and inches within two week's use. After reading so many testimonials, I decided to do some further research and was convinced that the product appears legit. It was while researching about Cosmo Body that I discovered the distributor/manufacturer's website, which also included a 7-day weight loss challenge.

The 7-day challenge is designed for a target weight loss of 10-17 lbs per week. I was like whoa! Maybe this is just the nudge I need to begin regaining (or in my case, uh losing) the unwanted pounds and love handles I've gained over the past year. I intend to follow the meal plan as close as possible, and see what happens.

With giddiness mirroring only that of a child in anticipation of opening a gift, I begin my Cosmo Body experiment starting with Day 1 tomorrow. I'll post updates as the experiment progresses.

Anybody care to join me?

'nuff said.

The Pink Slip: Do Gay Men Cheat Because They're Gay Or Is It Because They're Men?

"Gay men cheat not because we're gay but because we're men..."

I heard this line while watching an episode of Queer as Folk (USA). It got me thinking whether there was a nugget of truth to this statement. Sex (or the appreciation thereof) has always been different for men and women, whether gay or straight. Most if not all men can seperate sex from emotions, while most women cannot. Could this be the biological and sociological reason why a lot of Gay relationships do not last as long as heterosexual relationships?

Before I proceed further with my attempt to deconstruct cheating in gay relationships, or what I fondly call the "Pink Slip", let me narrow down the meaning of the Pink Slip as "an overt act, which usually involves, but is not limited to, sexual relations with a person other than in your current relationship, where such overt act is clearly antithetical to the concept of a platonic relationship." Simply put, I am limiting cheating to that where an overt act is already/being committed with the aim of starting/pursuing "something". None of that emotional cheating crap.

To answer the question posted at the beginning of this entry, I am of the earnest opinion and do beleive that gay men cheat not because we're gay, but because we're men (note my use of the pronoun "we're". Yup, I am including myself in this).

From what I've read, observed from friends, and learned from personal experiences, most, if not all Men are visual and more physical when it comes to attraction. The need is more urgent, and the want more primal. I'm not saying that Men are just mindless animals with perpetual hard-ons. What I'm saying is that it doesn't take much to stimulate a guy, whether he plays for the "straight alliance" or the "rainbow coalition". Even those who have aclimated to a higher state and can control their "urges", cannot deny that the arousal/attraction is still there. They are just more capable of control than most of us uh, mere mortals.

When you consider all of that and put two men in a relationship, you get an inkling of why Pink Slips happen a lot.

So what does this epiphany, if I might call it such, bring us? Well, I for one, view gay relationships with an open mind, not with the romantiscized idea of how things should be, unlike when I first started entering into relationships. Back then, I was a stauch advocate of monogamy and accepted neither deviation nor compromise from the "one-woman-man" or to be more appropriate, "one-man-man" ideology.

What changed? Well, I saw the other side of the coin. I was in a relationship when I felt a very strong attraction to this guy. Although I never did anything to act on such feelings, I realized that adhering to my concept of what a relationship should be was not as crystal clear as I had thought all along. At first I was able to justify it using raging teenage hormones, but as i grew older, the experiences intensified until it culminated to my first tryst. I was guilty and ecstatic at the same time. How could I have done something so despicable? It dawned on me that the more I denied my psychological and sociological make up as a man, the greater the risk of the tryst happening again.

Don't get me wrong, I still believe in monogamy. I still believe in being the only man for the right man. But i'm not so much hung up on the idea that I would end a great relationship over a one-time romp in the sack. I then formulated a rule which I applied and still apply to my relationships.

I tell my significant other, "Not more than once with the same guy". To forestall crazed monogamists from hurling stones at me, let me clarify. This is not a license for him to sleep around with as much guys as he wants, provided nothing is done twice. The rule allows an exception to the "monogamy" clause and exempts from its operation, Pink Slips brought about by urges which, despite best efforts, could not be tempered. There are just those days that no matter how hard you try to be a good boy, you slip and out comes the, uh "arsenal".

Why not more than once you ask? Well, based on human behavior, "one goes back for something one likes". The spontaniety of the act is proved by the frequency of it happening. Simply put, if my significant other did it with the same guy more than once, that means that by the second, third or nth time they did it, there was an active and conscious decision on his part to pursue the tryst. It is no longer spontaneous, impulsive and brought about by mere physical attraction or the lack of physical access to me.

I guess i'm just being realistic. I'm not saying that when that does happen, I won't be affected by the sting of betrayal, because I know I will be. But like I said, I am not about to throw in the towel on a good relationship just because of a momentary lapse in good judgment.

A word of caution though, this rule is not for everyone's consumption. If you are where I was before and do not wish to compromise on monogamy, then you have every right to continue with such disposition. We are the stewards of our own lives, destinies and relationships.

'nuff said.

Of Vows and Ceremonies

Last Saturday, a very close friend of mine recently gave up her "single" status and bit the bullet. During the ceremony, I was surprised to find myself getting teary-eyed and emotional. She's the first of my closest friends to say their "I Do's", while two others are slated to bid their farewell to their single life at the end of this year and another one by January of next year.

As I watched her glide (not in a ghostly, scary way that is.. hehe) through church pews decorated with flowers and sash, towards her married life, I felt the beginnings of an attack by the green-eyed monster. Before you get any weird ideas, I wasn't jealous that she got to wear this very beautiful gown or that she was so beautifully made up that she looked like a princess. I was happy that she, like all married women before her, was able to have her Cinderalla moment. What I was jealous of, was the fact that she will be able to experience one of life's most important moments, a dream of which, I can't even concoct for myself.

All through the ceremony, I couldn't stop myself from wistfully thinking that I'll never really get to experience the marriage ritual the way straight people do. No matter how "out in the closet" I will be, come a few years from now, not everyone will celebrate my union like the people who came out to celebrate my friend's wedding. For one thing, my government doesn't even recognize the validity of same sex unions. Even the law governing unions without marriage requires that the same be between the opposite sex. The best that the Republic can give me is a co-ownership structure. No rights of succession, no spousal preference.

I guess that's why even though I dreamed of one day finding "Mr. Someone-who-will-be-the-one" (I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he's the guy I'm with right now), I never fantasized of the picturesque wedding, er, commitment ceremony. Since I admitted to myself that I was gay, commitment ceremonies were something that I've never seriously considered, and thought of them as just that... a romantic fantasy of an idle and naive mind.

Who knows right? Like they say, nothing is certain in this world of ours save for death and taxes. I might just change the way I feel about commitment ceremonies a few years from now.

Only time will tell...

'nuff said.

The Thumpa Thumpa...

When I was a bit er, younger, I would go out with my circle of friends to engage in varied activities... dinners, drink nights and of course, bar hopping. Being new to the gay scene and not to mention young, gave me that rush... a feeling of doors (and windows) opening all around me... the world was my playground and I was the proverbial eager and wide-eyed six-year old discovering the joys of the sand box and the swing set. It came to a point that almost every weekend I was at a party or a bar with my gay friends, talking about sex, ogling the cute guys who pass by and trying to catch the attention of someone I fancied for the night.

Photo borrowed from http://flickr.com/photos/doctony/

Fast forward 8-10 years and I find myself in the company of a different and much older set of friends who are mostly straight women and another gay couple. The dinners are still there, but this time more frequent. Drink nights were replaced by food-fests and the bar-hopping reduced to an all night talk-out in a coffee shop or a similar place with mellow music. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and enjoy the time I spend with them talking about a variety of things, from the mundane to the serious, from sex to relationships and our own demons. Its just that I can't seem to shrug off the feeling that I'm a 28 year old guy living the life of a 40+ year old. I miss the thumpa thumpa of the loud music blasting out of a club's speakers. I miss the excitement of going inside a dimly lit room, illuminated only by strobe lights and halogen lights conspicuously placed at the bar and at other parts of the club. I miss the gyrating bodies and the energy emanating from them. Most of all I miss the bonding you get from drinking sessions which is entirely different from the bonding you get over a shared plate of dessert and/or coffee.

I guess it's partly my fault because of the company I keep. I mean, I'm the youngest in our group. Most of them are in their mid-30's and its all but natural that they shy away from these places. They find it too noisy, too busy and not suitable for a conversation. I also think that because I was in a relationship for most of my "younger years" that I never got the fill of the bar scene. Add to that the 4 years I spent in law school poring over law books and case law.

I know that my friends would go to a place like that if I suggested it, but would they have fun? Probably a couple of hours yeah, but they won't have the stamina to go at it all night, like they have the stamina to talk about problems, issues, sex and what-not. What makes it more frustrating is that since most of my friends are straight single women, they don't want to go to the same bars that I want to go to. Who can blame them right? The men in "my scene" probably won't even notice they were there. Heck, I'm even willing to go to a bar proliferated by straight people just so I can feel the thumpa thumpa. But then again, is that enough to satisfy my 28 year old hunger for excitement?

I don't want to wake up one day to find out that I'm too old to do these kinds of things. I don't want to end up like those guys you see who are old, weary and who look so out of place in bars. I don't plan to be an over-the-hill club boy sticking like a sore thumb in a sea of young men. That's why I want to go out and experience these things before I get too old to do it. I'm not talking about going to clubs every weekend, but twice or thrice a month wont hurt either.

So what do I do? Do i need to hang out with people my age more? I don't know what to do yet. What I do know is this... I need to feel the thumpa thumpa again.

Anybody care to join me?

'nuff said.

A Very Special Movie...

My friends used to kid me for being a sappy romantic and that I fall in love with the idea of love.

Until recently and probably because of past relationship experiences, I seemed to have lost the concept of love, how it adds that special bounce in your step, how it makes you all giddy inside and mostly, how it feels to be in a loving relationship.

Last night, I again watched the movie “A Very Special Love” starring Sarah Geronimo and John Lloyd Cruz. I know that would cause several eyebrows to rise, believe me… I raised mine when my friends insisted on watching it the first time in a moviehouse. Since I heard so much about how good the movie was, I decided to let them drag me. My interest was piqued to say the least.

I liked the movie the first time I saw it and it surprised me that I still liked it the second time around. Admittedly, there were cheesy moments which could have been written better and made me cringe while watching them. These moments however, were completely overshadowed by the earnestness of the movie, the humor in the script, a very well compiled and well placed soundtrack, and the good mix of characters (and actors) that made it all work. There were no over-the-top lines, none of those overly dramatic scenes and none of the cookie-cut-out elements that seem to plague Filipino Love stories (oh wait, there was that “I’m Sorry” scene that although endearing, was too chocolatey sweet for me).

I’ve always known that John Lloyd was a good actor and he didn’t fail to deliver in this movie. I could actually hear the audience swoon during his close ups. Sarah surprised me at how adept she was at delivering punch lines. Combined with Matet’s quips, the comedy scenes were just hilarious. They say that it’s harder to do comedy than drama.

I liked the movie because it made me feel giddy again about love and reminded me how it adds that special bounce to your step. It’s rare (well for me that is) to fall in love with a Filipino love story, but this movie has earned a very special place in my heart.

The Quintessential "What If"

After moving on from the shadow of a previous relationship (whether serious or not), memories of the past suddenly come flooding back when you happen to see a picture of your Ex, or see a restaurant you both liked to frequent or anything else that that your 5 senses get in contact with that reminds you of the past. It is then that the quintessential "what if" uncontrollably pops up and you find yourself wondering the "what could my life be" questions if both of you were still together.

You then realize that the question is asked merely out of idle curiousity rather than an innate "need" or "want" to get back together with the Ex.

Just recently I logged on to my facebook and my g4m (guys4men) accounts and I began to wonder about M.E., the Ex who I had to hate to enable me to get him out of my system. After I typed in his name in the search button of facebook, I looked at his profile, wanting to know what he has been up to since I last saw and/or spoke to him (which was about more than a year ago).

It was then that I began to remember our relationship, both the good and the dysfunctional (hehe) memories. For the most part, both M.E. and I weren't really ready to commit to such a serious relationship. He had commitment issues, I had trust issues. Then I began to wonder what it would be like if he was still in my life, and the question died as soon as it popped into my head. I knew deep down inside that I would never cross that bridge again.

Is there something wrong with asking the question "what if"? I don't think so. The problem begins when you get consumed by it and you don't realize that dwelling too much in the past will make you lose sight of the present and will not enable you to prepare for the future.

I know M.E. and I had our shot and we tried to make the best out of it. The fact that our relationship didn't work out does not necessarily make us bad people... probably, we just weren't the right fit for each other. We weren't the right fit then, and I honestly believe that we still won't be even 10 years from now.

As I closed M.E.'s facebook profile, I wished him a happy and better life, cause no matter how bad it had become towards the end of our relationship, I know that our relationship has helped me mature to become the person I am now, hopefully a little wiser.


'nuff said.

From Edgy to Sketchy... (A Look At Shortbus)

When a film shows too much coital action, when do you draw the line? When does it pass edgy and shoot straight to sketchy?

These were the questions that I asked myself after watching "Shortbus", a gay-themed movie directed by John Cameron Mitchell.

The film follows the lives of three central characters; James, an ex-male escort who suffers from depression and believes that because of his past, he is not worthy of the good that life has to offer; Sofie, a married relationship counsellor who is always pre-orgasmic (i.e., has never experienced an orgasm in her whole life); and Severin, a dominatrix in search of true human connection. They are all connected though an underground sex club called "Shortbus" where every person's fantasy, whether gay or straight, is made into reality.

To be quite honest, I was shocked at the amount of sex and nudity in the movie. What is more shocking is the fact that the sex in the movie was real. None of those simulated sex scenes were the actors are wearing plasters. This was the real deal. It was like watching people making love (or to be crass about it, "fucking") in their own bedrooms. And just when you thought you were going to get a couple of minutes reprieve after a vary "daring sex scene" another sex scene jumps out at you with all the naked glory of the male and/or female anatomy.

The movie uses sex as the main backdrop to expose the characters' flaws, strengths and character, which for me was a very risky move as some may opine that the movie teeters dangerously close to being pornographic. Be that as it may, I found the movie quite interesting. Although admittedly the sex scenes had a big tendency to cater to prurient interests, the script made the sex scenes (well, at least most of them) essential to the plot. I would even dare to say that without them, the movie would not have been as effective to drive home the scriptwriter's point.

This movie is definitely not for everyone, but if you do get the chance to see it, it is best to view it with an open and non-judgmental mind to help yourself understand the story and the characters.

So is the movie edgy or sketchy? I leave that for you to decide. One thing's for sure though... It's one helluva "Shortbus" ride.



'nuff said.

The Year That Was...

It's crazy how time files regardless of whether you are having fun or not.  Another year has passed and I find myself reviewing the year that was...

Although I cannot with definite certainty state that the year 2008 was my worst year, I can honestly say that 2008 was an emotionally and psychologically trying year.  I experienced loneliness, desperation and a lot of uncertainty.

This is not to say that nothing good ever happend during the past year.  On the contrary, many good things happened not only to me but to my family and friends.  This year, I: witnessed and took part in a union of two hearts; stopped being selfish long enough to offer my heart to someone who accepted it with open arms; forged a new bond with someone unexpected and most importantly... I grew up.

I guess for the most part, that's why 2008 was an emotionally and psychologically trying year, as I was made to face certain harsh realities of life and learn to accept that there are just some things you cannot fix no matter how much you want it.

2008 may have been an emotionally tiring year, but hey... I wouln't trade the experiences I had, the relationships I forged and the lessons I've learned.
And as I bid farewell to the year that was, I closed my eyes and offered a heartfelt prayer:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;  

Enjoying one moment at a time;  

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;  

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;  

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; 

That I may be reasonably happy in this life  

and supremely happy with Him 

Forever in the next. 

Amen.

'nuff said

OSOM: Beginning Balances

I took body measurements yesterday *gulp* to help me track my progress and boy, I almost lost my very volatile grip on sanity... (in case you haven't figured it out by now, I'm a drama queen... hehe).

So... without further ado... I give you my body measurements *gulp*:

Weight: 190 lbs

Right before weighing myself, I expected my weight to be at 180lbs at most. About three years ago, I was at my heaviest at 230. Then I started to exercise and diet and I lost a whopping 70 lbs. In 2006, I weighed at 150lbs. When I saw the scale balance itself at 190lbs, I was really surprised and mad at myself for gaining back 40 lbs!

Stomach: 42 inches
Waist: 38 inches

You're probably wondering why I have two measurements for my abdomen area. I'm not trying to cheat here.. hehehe... What I did was I took a measurement of my stomach area (across my belly button) and my waist area (i sorta wear low waist pants) just above the hips, thus resulting in 2 measurements. Despite the two measurements, I was equally shocked to know how much inches I've gained. When I was at my thinnest at 2006, I had a 30-31 waist line and a 32-33 stomach! I gained 8 inches!!!!! I half expected to be at 36 at most!

Chest: 19 inches
Neck: 16.5 inches
Shirt size: XL (for some shirts, L)

The Goal:

My Goal is to lose at least 40-45 lbs so I am not overweight. At my height of 5'8, my ideal weight is about 145-150 lbs. I was never a weight watching person. I always tell my friends that I'd be more than happy even if I weighed 200 lbs of pure muscle rather than 140lbs yet have no muscle definition at all. That being said, weight won't be much of an issue with me. I'd rather look at my tummy and stomach measurements and my shirt size.

As for my waist and tummy area, I want to lose about 6-8 inches.

So:

Weight
Now: 190 lbs
Goal: to be at least 145 lbs

Stomach
Now: 42 inches
Goal: to have at most a 32-inch or below stomach

Waist
Now: 38 inches
Goal: to have at most a 30-inch waist

Shirt Size
Now: XL
Goal:Medium (Large for slim/contemporary fit shirts)


The war begins.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind (OSOM): The Experiment

As fate would have it... I have regained (hmmm... not entirely an apt word, since it wasn't an active decision on my part... or was it?) all the pounds I was able to lose almost two years ago... hu-hu-hu...

To my utter horror, most of my clothes don't fit anymore, and the shirts that I bought just a couple of weeks ago now look too, uh "snug" for my ever bulging tummy and shoulders. After raiding my closet and discovering that I virtually have nothing to wear, I've decided to take action and lose the weight that has quietly crept back and stubbornly refuses to leave.

My Action Plan:
Last week, I decided that from this point on, I will only have a full meal for lunch and will just eat salad for dinner. I plan to continue doing this until my body returns to its glorious state. hahaha

This week, I plan to stop eating pork and beef, while still continuing with my full meals (of either fish, chicken or veggies) for lunch and salad for dinner.

Next week I plan to give up chocolates, sweets and other junk foods.

To help me tone down, I returned to my gym for boxing work outs.

To uh, keep me motivated and help keep me on track, I will use my blog as sort of an online journal (duh, isn't it one already?) to track my progress. I'll call these series of posts as my OSOM Series.

I want to slim down just in time for my brother's wedding which is coming up in uh, short time. I hope to post pictures of my "before" and "after" belly soon. hahaha

anyone care to join me?

'nuff said.

Feeling out of sync...

This morning I attended a hearing as per my boss' instructions. When I was with my old firm, I used to hate morning hearings, (I was never a morning person), which meant I had to wake up really early. Nevertheless, I was excited to go back to court, even if it meant just watching other people arguing before the judge.

I've always liked litigation, although admittedly, litigation isn't one of my strongest points. Not to honk my own horn, but I honestly think I argue quite well in court and hold my own even against experienced litigators.

When I entered the court room, I could feel nostalgia wash over me. I missed going to court... I missed feeling the frantic beating in my chest as my heart vigorously pumped blood through my veins... I missed mentally going through my arguments while waiting for my case to get called, and most of all, I missed the feeling of being a lawyer.

It's been almost two months since I started my new job and honestly, I'm starting to feel less like a lawyer with every day that passes. Though my job requires the experience, knowledge and skills of a lawyer, I can't seem to get the same satisfaction here that I was getting from my previous job. To top it all, I can't seem to shake the feeling that I don't belong here, from the way things are run, from the back-stabbing, from the delay in the disposition of cases and from the attitudes and characters of the people I hang out with. I'm just not happy. period.

I find myself asking the questions: Am I just too idealistic? Am I even trying to adjust to the job? Do I even make an effort to belong?

Honestly, I think idealism has nothing to do with the whole situation. Yes, I wish that the office was run like a well-oiled machine, but truth be told, my old office had more than its share of "questionable" policies, yet I still managed to be happy with what I was doing back then.

I am trying to adjust to the job, by trying to learn the ropes. But how can I truly learn, when my boss doesn't even know how to challenge me and maximize my potential? I find myself on the verge of being frustrated at my job, which is never a good thing.

I've always prided myself on taking action in order to solve my problems (well, after bitching about it a couple of times that is... hehehe)...So the million peso question now is: how do I address these issues?

It didn't take me long to figure out what I needed to do. Job satisfaction and job compatibility are integral and inseparable parts of any successful and long career. Without job satisfaction, one's output tends to lean towards the average and even mediocre. Without job compatibility, growth, if any at all, is achieved at a very slow rate.

Without much hesitation i decided that I need to look for a new job. One that will give me enough satisfaction to equal or surpass that which I got from my old job. One that does not involve me surfing the internet all day waiting for assignments. One that would keep my body and mind busy. One that would sharpen my skills.

I started sending out my resume a couple of weeks ago. Two weeks from now, I will be undergoing a final interview for another job in a different city. When I read the job description, it was exactly what I have always wanted to do when I left the firm. Only time will tell if this job is for me or not. I'm praying while keeping my fingers crossed that it is.

'nuff said.

A Side Order of "Sex" And A Big Serving Of Life

Last night I, along with more than a hundred followers of the Sex And The City (SATC) series, marched down to the cinemas to pay homage to one of the arguably best (at the very least best dressed) series that graced the small screen.

I was more than excited to see the SATC Movie after all the media hype.

Prior to watching the movie though, I was a bit concerned that the media hype would ruin the experience for me... I was afraid that due to sooo many sneak peaks (from ET and the Insider, not to mention the local news channels), the plot would be too predictable and the jokes and funny moments not as hilarious ... well?

Impressions:

I was slightly disappointed when they changed the opening credits song and made it into more of like a jazzy-pop-r&b mix of the old song (maybe i'm just too set in my ways, eh? =p).

My initial disappointment however, quickly disappeared when I heard Carrie's all-too familiar voice giving the audience a quick rundown of the past 6 seasons of SATC. My lips widened into a smile as I felt the excitement well up inside me. As the movie progressed, I found out that the movie starts 5 years after the series left off. It was interesting to see each character caught up in their own individual lives, yet still finding time to keep in touch.

Favorite Scenes

Here's a short list of my favorite scenes from the movie
(NOTE: to those who haven't watched it... you might want to skip this part):

a) During the Carrie-bashes-Big-with-bouquet scene, Carrie hysterically turned away from Big and hugged Charlotte for comfort... When Big attempted to apologize and comfort Carrie, Charlotte eyes watery and hugging Carrie, pointed a finger at Big and shouted "NO!" so forcefully that I felt the emotion. I've always liked Kristin Davis during SATC's run on HBO. I believed that aside from Cynthia Nixon, she was one of the great actresses of the show.

I was so amazed at how much emotion she was able to project during that scene. I found my tears welling up because I was genuinely touched by how real the emotions were portrayed. (*Sigh*)

b) Ever thine.Ever mine.Ever ours. A phrase from Beethoven's love letter which Carrie read to Mr. Big during the first part of the movie and which Mr. Big told Carrie when they finally got married at the end. (*Sigh*)

c) Charlotte's resistance to eat anything in Mexico, her pudding in her prada, her race to the bathroom and eventually pooping her pants. These scenes were just hilarious. Charlotte is so sweet, innocent and I daresay, a bit ditzy. During the whole time they were in Mexico, she refused to eat and drink anything that Mexicans prepared.

I was laughing my ass off when she opened her mouth while taking a shower which resulted to a bout of diarrhea after.

d) "I curse the day you were born!" Another precious Charlotte moment. This time with Mr. Big. As I said, Charlotte plays the innocent-bordering-on-insanely-naive card so well.

She is the picture of propriety, not a hair out of place and cringes upon hearing the words "dick" "vagina" and the like.

It was really funny when Charlotte at first tried to "waddle" away from Mr. Big, but when he caught up with her, she tried her best to curse him, and as lady luck would have it... her water broke from all the exertion.

e) Carrie's "Mexi-coma". Samantha spoon-feeding Carrie dinner. Just a touching scene at how your real friends stay with you when you're at your lowest.


The Verdict

I really loved the movie, heck, even more than Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, although truth be told, I did feel that there were some scenes that were a bit unnecessary and could have been edited out to make the movie a bit shorter and meaningful.

The movie attempts to send a message that no person, no matter the success in one's career or family life, really gets the "happy ever after" ending.

True to the spirit of the SATC series, this message was slipped into the audience's consciousness through a dizzying array of labels such as Dolce, Louis Vuitton, Vivienne Westwood, Christian Lacroix, Manolo Blahnik, etc. Though such tactic worked for the series, I'm not quite sure that the same could be said for the movie, it being about an hour and a half longer than a regular series (but then... I could be wrong).

All in all, watching the movie was a great way for me to finally say goodbye to the story of four fabulous new yorkers who through their dysfunctional relationships, eccentricities and fashion, captured and influenced every girl and gay guy's life.

'nuff said.

The New Man, The New Job and The New Digs... (The Good, The Bad and The Ugly?!?)

More than a month has passed since I last wrote here and so many things worth writing have happened since then... I guess I was just too lazy to write. So, here goes...

The New Man... (The Good)

Remember J? Turns out, I more than met up with him.

J is as nice in person as he was on the phone. Though we went through the usual "first-meet awkward" moments, the evening did end quite nicely. After our first date, we would talk incessantly for hours and I found myself liking him more and more. J had a certain boyish charm about him, yet he exudes maturity, stability and comfort.

So what happened? We vowed to wait and see what the stars had in store for us. I told him I was the type who gets scared easily and I appreciated that he also didn't want to rush into things... Well, it took us about a week to get over our respective neuroses. (So much for waiting right?) We officially became a couple last March 29, 2008! (Yay me! hahaha - as of the date of this entry, J and I have been together for a month and 2 weeks.)

As it stands now, I'm really happy being with J.

We laugh about the most inane things and have debacles about the most serious of topics (read: reality tv - hahaha). I think J and I are a good match. Don't get me wrong, we have had our share of squabbles and I think we will have more in the future, but our squabbles are usually minor ones, probably because J is very patient with me and usually lets me win the arguments (he always jokes that one can never win an argument against a boyfriend who's also a lawyer. haha!)

Seriously though, I think J and I complement each other. I guess the reason for that is because our relationship is not one based on competition, or who gets to be better than the other (like my relationship with M.E.).

The New Job... (The Bad)

You might be wondering why I decided to dub this part "The Bad"... well... I've bitched on and on about how hectic, haggard and tiring my former job was... There were many times I would find myself looking up to the heavens and silently screaming for reprieve...

... then i started working at my second job (let's just call it "work" for the sake of anonymity...)

The pay is good,*cough* better than my last job... The hours are great... I arrive about 9-ish (a.m.) and leave by 6-ish (p.m.) ...

BUT... I feel as if I'm dying here. Why? Well, here's why:

Reason # 1. I know I've been incessantly asking for a less stressful job... you know less work... What i didn't want was a job which entailed no work at all! At the risk of someone going crazy on me and flood me with "What the f--k?!?" comments, lemme illustrate to you my regular working day...

9:00 - 9:30 a.m. <-> I arrive at the office

10:00 - 10:30 a.m. <-> I open my computer, get my coffee from the pantry

10:30 - 11:00 a.m. <-> I go down for a smoke, buy juice then look at my phone for any
text messages

11:00 - 11:30 a.m. <-> Surf websites, answer a couple of phone calls from clients (if lucky) then prepare for lunch.

11:30 - 2:00 p.m. <-> Have lunch, either alone or with my boss

2:00 - 6:00 p.m. <-> Surf some more, check emails, read forums, go down for occasional smoking or do whatever that will keep me busy until 6 p.m.

6:00 <-> I go home.

If i'm lucky, I get to squeeze about one to two hours of work into my oh so busy schedule of browsing the net. I guess I'm just not used to doing nothing and i'm running out of internet websites (and to my dismay, Friendster is blocked!) My boss doesn't appear to want to assign cases to me, and i feel like my potential is being wasted. I honestly don't feel like I'm learning anything.

Reason # 2. I don't like the office culture that I'm seeing. It's not about being an elitist, perfectionist or idealist. I've always been proud of my ability to bridge gaps and make new friends. Yet, in the month that I've been here, I haven't really connected with one person. Also, I feel like so much time is wasted by my officemates' and my boss's lackadaisical attitude. It reminds me so much of how government offices are run.

If my situation doesn't improve in a couple of months, I'll probably transfer to a new office. What's the point of staying when i feel that staying here will just hinder my growth?

My friends keep on telling me that I have the perfect job... I get paid for doing nothing. Someone else might enjoy it.. but i certainly don't. Maybe someday, but my 20's and 30's are for learning and obtaining experience. I won't get that by just browsing the internet everyday, right?

The New Digs (The Ugly?!?)

Transferring to a new office and entering a new relationship wasn't the only thing happening in my life. I welcomed my birthday month by transferring to a new condo! I packed my bags and bid farewell to the flood-water filled City which was my home for about a year.

My condo is nowhere near ugly... well not now anyway... but before, one wall of the bedroom was painted bright pink... the living room walls were painted green and the kitchen walls were painted with blinding yellow... (can someone say PSYCHEDLIC?)

As much as green is one of my favorite colors and i've been known to wear pink tees, having those colors for my walls were out of the question. So with the help of J, I repainted the whole condo. (J helped me for the first day and I had to finish painting for another whole day... took me and J about 2 days to complete the painting job.)

I decided on a chocolate brown, umber (burnt brown) and mocha color scheme. I bought wenge furniture and J gave me a wenge dining set (as an advance birthday gift) to complement my brown scheme. After the paint job was finished and the furnitures were delivered, the apartment began to look more like the pad that i had dreamed of having. It's not perfect yet, still have a couple of pieces to buy before I'll get satisfied, but I really love my new place.


'nuff said.

Writing About Mr. Right

Isn't it obvious what this entry is about?

It's about my uh, unrelenting search for Mr. Right. Well, that's actually inaccurate, because as of present time, I'm no longer searching for him. I'm anxiously "waiting" for him (hahaha i know i'm splitting hairs, but there really is a big difference).

Ever since I started dating, it's been one relationship after another. Like I said in my previous post, I've always managed to find a boyfriend a month or two after a previous relationship. This time however, it's more than a year since my last "real" relationship and I still haven't found my next victim, er boyfriend (Fruedian slip perhaps? haha). Even my friends are amazed at how long I've remained single since M.E. Truth to tell, since M.E., I've managed to go out on a couple of exclusive dates, but they all lasted about a month or so and nothing progressed to the next level that I could proudly call a real relationship.

So what do I look for in a guy? Hmm... I've always said that I only have one non-negotiable. He has to be straight acting. I don't need Mr. Military Guy who's all stiff and manly but I do want a man. Please don't take this to mean that I have something against effeminate gay guys, coz I really don't. I have great friends who are effeminate guys, but I guess I just won't date them. It's a preference, nothing more nothing less.

About a couple of days ago, I met this guy while chatting at IRC (he's a new guy, let's call him J.) I was talking to a couple of friends I made over chat and I noticed J post an ad looking for guys in their mid 30's. Although I wasn't 30 yet, I decided to send him a message, hoping that 27 was enough for him. So, I messaged him and we started to talk. It was nice to talk to someone who was eloquent, someone who thought about topics other than sex. He didn't respond to my message by asking me my ASL or STATS (to the uninitiated, ASL = Age, Sex, Location while STATS stand for generic description, like height, weight, built, etc.). We chatted for about an hour or two and then we decided to talk over the phone instead.

Over the phone, J sounded more sophisticated and endearing. He had a nice voice. We talked for about three hours more until the sun came up and we decided to say our goodbyes. All throughout the day we would send messages to each other, about silly things and serious things. It's been awhile since I've done that with anyone. I hope I get to meet him soon.

Is he the one? I don't know yet... but I'll tell you one thing though... J seems promising.

'nuff said.

And so a new adventure begins...

A couple of hours ago, I was busy typing my last instructions...

Before you get any morbid ideas, I wasn't typing my last will and testament... I was finishing my last memo to my boss, my officemates and staff for the turnover of my case files. After nitpicking through almost 45 cases that I was handling, I ended the memo with a simple thank you.

I pressed "Ctrl P" on my keyboard and heard the printer start. I found myself thinking... "This is it... My stay here has finally come to an end..." well, there remained the daunting task of cleaning my desk, but that was it. I had used my trusty computer for the last time...

I gathered all the strewn papers on my desk and began to put my things in a box. I felt sad... I've made so many memories here in this office... both bad and good, but all of them cherished.

I chose to leave the Firm because I think I've come to a point that the fruits no longer outweighed the sacrifices. Admittedly, the bigger pay which was offered to me was the final nail that sealed the proverbial coffin, but nevertheless... If I were truly happy where I was, nothing could have ever made me leave. Don't get me wrong... I have come to love the people I work with, but it's just time to move on.

One by one I picked up reminders of my almost two-year tenure in the Firm... souvenirs someone in the office would bring us when they'd go out of the country, parting gifts from baptisms and weddings I attended, and even birthday and christmas gifts from both clients and officemates I have come to call friends...

With a heavy heart and excitement welling up in my chest, I murmured a quiet goodbye to my trusty computer, my ill-fitted desk, my tattered chairs, the cabinets that kept most of the files I would horde from our fileroom, the rooms of the lawyers that had become our individual fortresses of solitude and the office that I had spent most of my waking hours in.

This is finally it. With one final look, I turned around and closed the firm doors...It's time to begin a new adventure...

'nuff said.

Shoulda Woulda Coulda...

Last Friday, I went out on a date with a guy (let’s call him Eric) I met over the Internet. Eric and I have been sending messages through the net and through our mobiles, and he seemed quite an interesting and decent guy. He sent me his picture and I must admit he’s quite a looker...

The night before we met, we got to talk over the phone, and and we seemed to hit it off instantly. So we decided to meet-up, to finally put a face to the voice and the text messages. I wasn’t expecting much although I could feel the excitement that was welling up inside of me… It’s been awhile since I’ve felt that excitement.

Friday came and we met at the Fort at about 11 p.m. He was still with a friend of his, since they met up earlier for dinner, and since he insisted, I joined them. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it’s always awkward to meet someone for the first time. Moreso in our case, when I would actually be meeting him for the first time with a friend of his, who incidentally didn’t know that Eric and I were hooking.

En route to the restaurant, I was actually worried about how to act and how to interact with Eric and his friend. I took a deep breathe and sent him a message telling him I was in front of the restaurant. When he came out, I let out a short and inaudible gasp. He was far better looking in person than in the picture he sent me. I wasn’t even aware that I said “whoa, he’s cute” aloud which, was funny cause I said it just when one of the waitresses passed by me. She looked at me quite oddly. I chuckled and motioned for him to come.

It was hard at first to make conversation but, as the evening proceeded, I became comfortable enough to converse with Eric and his friend, who was warm enough to not make me feel out of place. I found myself having quite a nice time. Midnight struck and his friend decided to go home, leaving Eric and me alone.

Eric then asked if we could just hang out at my place, and I knew that something was going to happen. To cut a long story short, we went to my place and something did happen, well... after much flirting.

I found myself liking Eric more and more as I got to know him. Don’t take me wrong, he’s not perfect, but he had this charm about him that was quite disarming.

While we were lying on the bed and kissing, he told me that he wished he hadn’t met me through the internet. I asked him why... and he said that he can’t date me because of how we met. I was taken aback by his statement. He explained that he doesn’t believe that people he met over the net were serious enough for a relationship, which I tried to argue against. We joked about meeting at a place where I’d introduce myself to get rid of the notion that we met over the internet.

So after we did the whole shebang, he left to go home and told me that he wanted to see me again. I was happy... ecstatic even. The thought of finding a decent guy and a potential boyfriend made me smile.

The next day, I sent him a text message. His reply left me wanting for more, so I decided to reply to his message hinting on a dinner date on Monday. He replied…”Is that a date? You know that can’t happen man…” And I instantly felt my ears turn red.

I asked him to explain what couldn’t happen and he didn’t reply anymore.

I don’t get it. How can one set aside a potentially great relationship just because of how he met the other person? I mean he doesn’t even know me that much and he decides to just write me off? I can’t help but think that he’s not as decent and mature as he purports himself to be. How could a reasonable man think like that?

I guess what gets to me is the fact the I may have only been a one night stand for him. Don’t get me wrong… I don’t have problems doing one-night-stands. It’s just he went to soo much effort of sweet-talking me and making me feel all special only to butter me up so he can get in my pants, which is just in bad taste. If sex was all that he wanted, I could have given in to that, but the thing is, he charmed me into bed, which caused me to lay down my walls and allow myself to like him.

I guess I’m more mad at myself for not knowing any better. If I knew all along that what he wanted was just sex, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to like him. It’s hard because now, I’m beginning to ugh… have weird emotions about him, which wouldn’t be the case if he’d just come clean and honest the whole time.

Eric reminds me of the guy in my “Faceless, Nameless Me” post, who went all out to make me feel special only to just discard me like I was yesterday’s newspaper. That’s just uncalled for. Guess that’s what happens when you wear your heart out on your sleeve.

I can’t help but berate myself for now knowing any better. I should have known.

Shoulda... Woulda... Coulda...

I should have known better...
I would have saved myself from feeling all the empty emotions I’m feeling right now...
I could have protected myself better...

Damn him.

‘Nuff said.

Not Doing a Britney...

We've always waited with much anticipation how Britney would top her latest faux pas, from having a breakdown and shaving her head down to losing the custody battle over her kids... Yet, we fail to realize that we, in our own lives, have done more than our share of Britneys...

Scroll down a few posts and you'll find my Newbie entry... for those lacking the patience to sift through my ramblings, he's the straight officemate i've had, uh, a couple of "interactions" with...

So what's new with newbie and me? Nothing... nada... zilch... zero...

I've decided to put an end to the whole newbie experience, despite the allure of "bagging" a straight guy and converting him into one of "my people".

Basically it's all about self-preservation and self respect. I've come to realize that a lot of things can go wrong between newbie and me. For one thing, we work in the same office. That alone is a big big reason to stop the uh, "interactions".

Secondly, I really think newbie is just in it for the sex. Nothing more, nothing less. How can i tell? Well, he doesn't reciprocate... and he covers his face whenever we "do" it, sort of like being ashamed... and add to the fact that he always pretends to be asleep. (duh... as if he can fool anyone)

Thirdly, he's in an 8-year relationship with a girl. Granted they're not married yet and that I don't know the girl, but hey, I still think it's way tacky to invite yourself in an existing relationship.

Lastly, after much chagrin, I've come to realize that I'm at the losing end of this whole shebang. I'm starting to have feelings for Newbie... more than lust feelings and its been affecting my work and my friendship with him... and that ladies and gentlemen is the most important reason. If i'm going to continue this with newbie, the feelings will just grow and they'll never be reciprocated. They'll just be unrequited... and i deserve much more than that.

I don't want to be someone's fuckbuddy or the extension of his right arm. I want a meaningful relationship and possibly a long-term one (if i ever get past my "issues").

And so... i promised myself... I'm not doing a Britney. What about you?

'nuff said.

All Things Considered...

I’ve always considered myself the “long-term relationship guy” (for brevity, let’s just use the term LTR Guy), looking for something more permanent than a quick romp in the sack, on the look-out for that person to er, spend the rest of my life with or at the very least be with longer than it takes for the sun to complete one revolutionary cycle around the Earth...

I’m not one to brag, but ever since I started dating, I’ve never been single for more than a month or two. After a relationship, I had the knack of finding myself involved again. I've been single for about 9 months now, the longest I’ve been since I started dating.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been dating... a lot actually... However, since my last real relationship ended last May 2007, the slew of “commitments” that followed only lasted for about a month or so. Definitely not my M.O.

Moreover, I’ve done things that a LTR Guy would never do... and that is, date more than a handful of guys and after sleeping with them, find myself not wanting to see them anymore or have anything to do with them. There was even a time that I double-booked myself... hehe... two dates in one night.

What have I become? Have I become attracted to the newfound freedom of being single? Is this just a phase that I’ll outgrow?

More questions... no real answers.

I did my best to honestly assess my inner turmoil, the reason for me not being able to “couple” so to speak... and here’s what I’ve come up so far...

1. I’m afraid of getting hurt again.
2. I like the chase, the thrill of meeting new guys, of new mysteries to solve, but once I’ve solved them (translation: have sex with them) I seem to lose the interest... it’s as if there’s no more mystery to solve;
3. I’ve grown too picky of my men;
4. Relationships are just too time consuming;

and my all time favorite...

5. My job just takes too much of my time.

I find myself smirking whilst reading the things listed above. Have I really become that cynical and/or jaded about relationships? I pray to God that the answer is No.

I guess there's only one way to find out right? Ride the wave until it gets me to shore.

Crap. I’m just so full of horse shit.

‘nuff said

Playing With Fire

(Nota Bene: Wrote this last night, so the dates may be a bit off. Anyhow, sorry it's a bit long... got a lil' carried away.)

You know how when as a kid you’ve been told a couple of times by those, uh, “smarter” (Translation: Older) than you that playing with fire is never a “smart” thing to do, yet somehow curiosity still manages to get a hold of you and mute that part of your brain that issue those warning signals. You then find yourself lighting up that matchstick or playing with the wax that drips of a lighted candle... and like any kid before you, you feel the hot “bite” of the flame and promise yourself to warn the next generation that playing with fire is never a “smart” thing to do... but will they listen? Did you?

As we grow older, the matchsticks and wax that we play with are replaced by different things, yet the lesson still remains the same. What’s curious is that we tend to forget the lesson and press on, excited by the idea of danger and once again the lesson is lost in the swirl of emotions...
I recently found myself playing with the proverbial “matchstick” knowing fully well that had I left it all alone, my life would have been much much better... (yeah right...)

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? Last October 2007, the firm I worked for hired a new associate. He wasn’t a lawyer yet, since he just recently took the 2007 bar examinations... he’s what we call an “underbar”. For the purpose of this entry, I’ll call him “Newbie”. To tell you the honest truth, I didn’t give Newbie a second look the first time I saw him, probably because I was too busy with work that he didn’t make quite an impression on me at that time... as the days and the weeks passed by, I began to notice that Newbie was a cute guy. He had this charm about him that is potentially disarming. Newbie and I got to talk because he was given this assignment which was part of my area of expertise, so he asked me for my help, and since I couldn’t very well say no to a cute face, I did my best to help him. My brain yelled “Warning! Warning!” yet I ignored it and told myself, I am not one to fraternize (Translation: Sleep With) officemates. It’s in bad taste to crap where you work right?

So what happened next? I found out that Newbie lived 5 minutes away from my apartment and one night he offered me a ride home. I was tickled at the thought of spending more time with him so I said yes. That was the start of my friendship with Newbie. The ride home was followed up by after office dinners, downing a couple of beers or watching movies. Now, Newbie and I are practically inseparable. He picks me up in the morning and brings me home at night and we make it a point to watch at least one movie per week.

It was during these bonding sessions that I found out that Newbie is in a seven-year relationship with a girl who he sees himself marrying. No biggie though coz’ like I said, I wasn’t about to sleep with an officemate. Again my head screamed warnings at me, yet I still chose to ignore the warnings.

Newbie is unlike any other friend I’ve had. I’ve even told him that. I see him as my complete opposite. Where I am reserved and proper, Newbie is boisterous, nitpicky and politically incorrect. Where I give a shit what people think of me, Newbie could care less, yet he seems self-conscious when I tell him what I think of him and his uh, seemingly errant ways. Newbie can’t stand to be alone, so he drags me to join him for dinner, or to watch a movie, or simply to hang out... and I find it hard to say no when he begs me to accompany him. I was never the going out type... yeah I enjoy going out once in a while, but since Newbie and I became friends, it’s practically going out every other day, even on a work day.

I’m digressing, so lemme get back to the whole point of this entry. So what happened? One night, Newbie invited me to have a drinking session at his house. It was the first time I went there. After downing a couple of beers and seeing that it was already past 5:00 in the morning I decided to sleep at his place after much prodding from him. He slept on the couch while I slept on his bed. Nothing happened, although I wanted something to happen, but I reminded myself that it was NOT a good idea... I reminded myself that the guy’s as straight as they come, so it would be a baaad thing if something happened, although Newbie had told me during one of our previous drinking sessions that when he was drunk, he had this tendency to sleep with anyone... and I mean ANYONE.

About a month later, Newbie again invited me to sleep over at his house after one drinking session. It was too late already and I had an early meeting the next day. That time, I was shuffling back and forth to my Mom’s house which was very far, so I decided, against my better judgment to sleep at his house. We went to my apartment where I changed into my sleeping clothes and we drove to his place. He asked me if it was okay if we slept on the same bed, cause he can’t get much sleep when he’s sleeping on the couch. Again, my brain screamed “No” but I found myself saying “Yeah, sure... why not?”

I couldn’t get much sleep since I could feel him beside me and could smell his perfume mixed with his sweat. I tried to resist putting my arm around him and I was able to resist until my “horniness” got the better of me. I pretended I was still asleep and put my arms around him, sort-of like it was just by accident. He didn’t stir and although I knew he woke up, he didn’t take my arm off, so I let it stay there. I fell asleep with my arm around him. I woke up and my arm was already down to his stomach, most have probably moved when I was asleep (yeah, right)... so anyway, I inched my hand closer to his chest, and sort of spooned him. I was already getting a woody, yet I didn’t care if he felt it or not. Then, I began to notice that his heart was beating fast. He couldn’t still be sleeping with a heartbeat like that. I asked him if he was okay since his heart was beating so fast. He mumbled “yeah, I’m okay” and I took my arm off him. I dozed off again. A couple of minutes after, my arm was again around him, and his heart was still beating like crazy. He was moving around a lot, and my arm was inching farther down to his groin area.

I couldn’t move, and I knew my heart was beating fast too. Then my arm fell on his uh, “tool” and I was surprised to find him sporting a woody. I began to get hard real fast. I let my hand stay there for a while. And then my extreme horniness got the best of me. I slipped my arm inside his shorts and held his massive uh “woody” and started to jerk him off. Okay okay, enough with the “woody” talk... this is not an erotic story. He moved and to my utter horror, he took my hand off his shorts. “Damn!” I told myself... he probably got offended and felt that I took advantage of him. I silently cursed myself, yet to my utter disbelief, my hand went in again for a second try. I was able to get inside his shorts again and started jerking him off, and he again took my hand out of his shorts, a bit more forceful this time.

It was then that I decided to stop whatever it was and slept. We woke up and I felt extremely guilty over what happened. He on the other hand acted as if nothing happened. He took me home and I went off to my meeting. In the afternoon, we met up again and even had a couple of drinks while he was waiting for his friends. Everything was the same, he was still touchy-feely as if I didn’t “fondle” (ugh... sounds too pedophile) him a couple of hours ago. I couldn’t quite figure out his reaction. Normally, when you were offended by what happened, you wouldn’t be so friendly with the person... yet Newbie acted the same way as before. Could he have liked what happened? If he did, why did he stop me?

I told myself to stay away from him, to keep a safe distance and to never (or at least try my darnedest) place myself in that same situation. Worked for about two weeks or so...

Just two days ago, I asked Newbie if he had any plans for the night. He said no, so we decided to meet up so I could help him set up his newly acquired phone. He picked me up at my apartment at around 10:30. We set up his phone and we watched a movie after. I kept on telling him that I should go home so that he could get some rest. He would reply that he wasn’t sleepy yet and since he didn’t offer to bring me home yet, I decided to stay. It was past 1:00 a.m. and I found myself dozing off on the sofa near his bed. He woke me up and told me that the sofa felt uncomfortable and that I should join him on the bed. I said “then what”? He replied “then you get some sleep”. So against my better judgment, I clambered on to his bed and lay down beside him after turning the lights off.

I positioned myself, so that not one part of our bodies was touching each other. I told myself that nothing should happen and that I shouldn’t betray his trust by taking advantage of the situation. I fell asleep and woke up a couple of times where I’d find myself pressed against him, my head resting near his shoulder. He didn’t seem to mind, and he’d often move up so that our bodies were touching. Again, I stopped myself and moved away. I dozed off again, and when I woke up, I had my arm around him. I could feel the “crazy-beat” of his heart so I repositioned myself so that my back was facing him.

When I woke up, Newbie and I were face to face. Apparently we had moved around in our sleep. I don’t really know what happened next, although I think, Newbie placed my hand on his uh, groin area. I was again surprised to find out that he was already sporting a woody. My brain again screamed “DON’T”, but just like the other times, I refused to heed its stern warning. It was as if I was out of my body and watching the scene from above. I slowly unbuttoned his shorts and felt my way inside it. He didn’t move at all, and didn’t even make an effort to stop me. I was all the way inside and started jerking him off and he still did not stop me. With all that was happening, it was impossible for Newbie to still be asleep.

In a moment of temporary insanity I took off his shorts and was surprised when he helped me take them off. I couldn’t believe it! It was really happening. Half of me kept on thinking that this was just a dream, but there was Newbie, half naked in front of me and he was actually letting this happen! Something happened that night... details aren’t that important, but for sure, whatever I did, could only lead to one conclusion... I had the hots for him and made sure he had a great time.

After that, Newbie wiped himself clean and put on his shorts again. I teased him not to wear his shorts, which caused him to give out a nervous laugh. We then fell asleep. When we woke up, we began to do the same thing, only this time, Newbie stopped me. I think he couldn’t come a second time. So we stopped, got up and didn’t talk about it. I went to the bathroom to freshen up and told him that I should go home. He told me that he was taking me home, so I let him. Again, Newbie acted as if nothing happened and while I was quiet during the ride home (which is approximately less than 10 minutes), Newbie was making small talk about a thing he has to do in the afternoon.

I really don’t know what’s going to happen next. I can’t even begin to think of the repercussions of what just happened. I know for a fact that Newbie won’t tell anyone that something happened between the two of us... he’s just not wired that way... yet I can’t shrug off the feeling that I might have started something that I’ll regret.

Is he still picking me up tomorrow? Yes, he just sent me a text message that he’ll wake me up in the morning. Like I said, Newbie is acting like nothing ever happened, when it’s clear as day that SOMETHING did happen.

I’ve never been placed in this situation before. I was so sure that Newbie was straight. So is this a “just sex” thing? Was he just horny and I was conveniently there so that was it? I have no fantasies of us getting together and becoming a couple, hey, he’s in a 7-year relationship right? Straight or not, I am not one to go after those who are already in a relationship. Too much karma and leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

I know I’m playing with major fire here, not just some paltry matchstick. The consequences could be dire for me, professionally and personally... yet the danger thrills me to no end. Am I on the path to self-destruction? I might just be overanalyzing everything.. A large part of me wants to avoid being placed in the same situation, but knowing me, I’ll find myself in that exact same situation again... darn it.

My fervent hope is that I don’t feel the sting of the “flame” before I stop myself from going further with this. I should know better than to stir up trouble for myself. But was it worth it? I don’t know yet... but I can honestly say... Newbie “measures” up pretty well... (haay... that’s why I get into sooo much trouble in the first place. My friends tell me, I haven’t met a dick I didn’t like... pun intended haha)

‘nuff said.

It's Just Another New Year's Eve (Or Not)...

Everything is back to normal... the night has grown still and has become quiet now as I sit in front of my computer typing my new year's post. Hours before, the sky was one big canvass as neighboring houses and those far away celebrated the end of 2007 and ushered the entrance of 2008 with a slew of fireworks.

Various fireworks, of varying complexity and beauty littered the sky, and as I watched each and every firework with child-like awe and amazement, I began to take stock of what has happened to me during the past 27 years. 27 New years and 27 Christmases... all celebrated here with my family... faces that have become a source of comfort and stability. I found myself beginning to wonder... would the time come when the faces and the people I celebrate new year's eve with will change? Possibly... most probably....

This New Year Celebration is different. We already have four family members absent for the new year's celebration. My sister was unable to spend new year's eve with us as she was on her hospital duty and my cousin, whom we have treated as our sister, was spending new years with her family. My maternal aunt and grandmother, who used to spend every new year's with us were also absent. We didn't even buy or light a single firework to celebrate the coming of 2008. My mom, mostly due to her surgery, was neither as jubilant as she was the last year nor was she wearing her old and faded polka-dot dress. We always used to tease her every year that she needed to change her polka dot dress, since it was becoming too old (and outdated--- think 80's fashion... haha)... yet you can almost see the sparkle in her eyes whenever she would get ready to change to her "new year's costume".

Yes... this year is definitely different.

My closest cousin (who also spends every new year's eve with us) couldn't have put it more succintly... "Kuya, it feels like a lonely new year... Probably because we begin to realize that we're getting older and so are the people we look up to. And probably because we know for a fact that this year promises to bring more significant changes..."

I'm really not that comfortable with change you see. Although, I can move with the times and adjust accordingly, things like family tradition are things I hold dear and earnestly try to preserve (some may even say futilely try to preserve).

The year 2008 is an important year for me, as my brother will get married on July (which I have "volunteered" myself to plan and pull-off-- Yikes!); my favorite and bestest (i know, i know, not a real word, but hey, to each his own!=P) cousin will be leaving for the US to pursue her nursing career and as for me... I am bound to leave the Philippines to try my luck at a land far, far away from home... a country where only a handful understand me, and where I am most likely to be treated like a third class citizen.

There, I've said it. I've dreaded thinking about it, let alone writing about it because It would make it all too real. Prior to my mom's surgery, leaving the Philippines to migrate to the United States was nowhere near my future plans. But then I realized that whatever it is I'm making here is not enough for me and my mom to live a comfortable life... even if I'm a lawyer. You see, after my mom came back from her almost-month-long vacation in the US, she floated the idea of migrating there. I shrugged it off as just post-vacation stupor... but then, after her surgery, the possibility of me migrating to the US became more of a reality. We had to struggle (financially) to meet this month's expenses which burgeoned because of my mom's hospital bills, and I found myself yearning for a better life (well, who doesn't right?). It was then that I became more resolute in my decision to fix my papers, get a job in the US and take the New York Bar, and try my luck with the "American Dream" which I personally did not concoct for myself. But hey, life is one adventure right? And this is no different than any other path I choose to undertake.

And so, as I said goodbye to 2007, I gingerly said goodbye to the past which I stubbornly cling to, and look forward to the future waiting for me. "New Year" hasn't had this much meaning for me as it does now.

'nuff said.

Shattered Glass...

Two weeks before Christmas, my Mom underwent a surgical procedure to remove an intra-uterine mass which was causing intra-uterine bleeding and pain in her abdominal area. I was worried when I first heard the news from my sister a few weeks back.

But my sister, who was a doctor, assured me that the procedure (which I can't even pronounce even if my life depended on it), although invasive, was pretty routine and after three days my mom would be up and about and would be discharged. I asked my friends who knew people who went through the same procedure and obtained similar responses. I breathed a sigh of relief that despite the discomfort and pain brought about by the procedure, no immediate harm would fall upon my mom.

As predicted, three days after, my mom was released from the hospital and she was given a clean bill of health (well, considering the circumstances of course). So we went about our normal lives. About 3-4 days before Christmas eve, my sister called me up while I was at Tiendesitas buying christmas gifts. Her voice was thick with worry and told me that there were post-operative complications and that they were bringing my mom back to the hospital.

It turned out that going about the normal routine (My Mom eating the same food and consuming vast amounts of fruits), a few days after a major surgery was counter-productive to my Mom's recovery. In fact, because of the Gas-forming food she ate, my mom suffered a condition called "Peristalsis" (or something to that effect... i'm a lawyer remember?) Her stomach was so big and full of gas to the point that her ex-ray showed that her intestines were floating around her abdominal. To make it worse, my mom consumed vast amounts of milk, which was a big no-no considering that she is lactose intolerant.

So my mom was rushed to the hospital and upon my arrival at the house, i was immediately instructed by my sister to relieve her of "watcher" duty at the hospital since My sister was supposed to start her first day of residency at a prestigious government hospital. And so i stayed with my mom 24-7, slept at the hospital and went home to shower and just to get clothes and any other stuff that might be needed.

The first time i saw my Mom, I was fighting the urge to cry. She was lying in the hospital bed, in an almost decrepit private hospital room with three dextross tubes snaking in and out of her mouth and her palm. She couldn't go to the bathroom all by herself as she couldn't even get up from the bed because of the pain. For the next three days i was constantly beside her, helping her go to the bathroom and remind her to drink her medicines.

It was during this time that another realization hit me... My mom wasn't as "un-breakable" as I thought she was. Kids normally think of their parents as invincible, and often take them for granted, thinking that they'll be around for a looong time. It's hard when you realize that your parents are just human beings, and as they grow older, they become more "human" and frail. I'm grateful to God for making me realize this sooner rather than later.

'nuff said.

A Long Day's Journey Into Night...

Another year is set to close and I wonder whether they choices I made during this year have made me a stronger and better person... well?

One thing's for sure though, this year has been one helluva ride... from passing the bar exams... surviving a pretty dangerous (physically, emotionally and pscyhologically) case... finally moving on from the shadow of a previous relationship... and down to my mom's operation... hell if those experiences didn't make me stronger I don't know what else can.

And as I continue on with my journey, I close my eyes and whisper a silent prayer that everything will be alright... I know in my heart that life is just starting and damned if I'm going to just stand by the sidelines. I am resolved now, more than ever to take life by it's horns, enjoy the ride, hurdle seemingly insurmountable odds and weather any storm that crosses my path.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

- Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening, Robert Frost

care to join me?

And so I return...

I really can't imagine that it has been almost two years since I last wrote in my blog... all that's about to change... (yeah right)

So what's been going on with me you ask? Dang, I need a whole month just to update you of what's happened to me since then... since I don't have the, uh, luxury of time (who does?) then let me give you snippets (or highlights, if you wish to call it...) of what's happened in my life the past two years...

For starters... my relationship with ME didn't really work out... we became lovers (ugh, i hate that word... it sounds too gay.... hahaha) for about a year and one month... but then he decided to call it quits... yep... and to make it all the more "soap opera-ish" he did it while i was reviewing for the Bar Exams! Great guy huh?!? =) Aaaanway... although we broke up mid-July of 2006, we still saw each other and, uh, did the nasty a couple of times... hehehe (gimme, a break... a guy has to have his fill of "sex with an ex", so sue me! =P). So how did everything end? well just about two to three months ago (around August 2007), i decided to make a clean break... and it's been good so far. We just started communicating again... and the difference i guess lies with the fact that I'm sure now, more than ever that I don't want to rekindle any "flame" with ME whatsoever. I guess i've come to terms with the fact that we're just not meant to be.

On the other front of my relationships, Dr. R (my four-year ex) has been a really great friend throughout the whole break up. I rely on him now more than ever. It's really great that i reconnected with him. It's funny because, now, I see Dr. R more as a brother than an ex. I love the guy, i really do, i just don't love him eros-style. Hehehe and he feels the same way too. Oh yeah... it gets better, Dr. R's new boyf (Well not really new, coz they've been in a relationship for two years now, come this 18 November 2007), has become one of my best friends also. Cool huh?

My new love life? Hmm... I can honestly say it's been interesting ... will probably post a new entry for that... hehehe just to keep things mysterious...

What else? Oh yeah... how could I forget? I'm now a full-fledged lawyer! yay me! Passed the Bar Exams just this year! I'm now working for one of the top firms in the country and the practice is great! (more about it in future posts)

So I guess this is it for now... Will check back in as frequently as i can ... work can get pretty crazy sometimes...

ciao for now.

'Nuff said.

The Past, The Present and The Future...

Well... as usual, i've been away from my blog soo long that a lot of things have happened... what's new eh?

Making peace with the Past...

During the few months that i've been away, i've been able to:
1) do my thesis
2) make amends (or at least tried to)
3) enter a new relationship
4) obsess about the new iPod Nano

... hehe seriously, the past few months have been pretty hectic and exciting at the same time.

Remember by ex? The one before M.E.? well... we've been talking or "ym-ing" a couple of times now, and it was only recently when he told me that things weren't as "peachy" as he made me believe... when i told him that M.E. and me were already together, he sort of unleashed the whole "honesty" bit... and i got more than what i bargained for. Don't get me wrong, I'm one for honesty, but it felt really weird having to have to deal with the whole "break-up" when all the while i thought that things were okay with the ex...

It was an eye-opener really... I guess, up until this point, i never realized how much i hurt him... through the polite grin, the "controlled" text messages he would send (which i would reply to a couple of days after, or not) and helping me edit my thesis... underneath all of that, there was just pain and confusion... I know i treated him badly, and i wish i could take the pain away, but i can't... i know "i'm sorry" won't cut it... but i hope that in time, he'll be able to understand that breaking up with him was the best thing i did for him... for us... before i ended up hurting him more...

Speaking of exes, i recently opened lines of communication with another ex... the one before C. Let's call him Dr. R. Dr. R and i have been together for almost 4 years, and our relationship suffered because of law school and what divorce lawyers would often term as "irreconcilable differences" (check the spelling... hehehe) So why the sudden communication? Well... it's been a year since we last talked, (since the surprise party he threw for me a while back... ) and it was really nice to reconnect with him.. you see, even before Dr. R and I became a couple, we were really close friends for more than 2 years. We shared a lot him and I, and it was nice to be friends with him again. You hear horror stories about an ex boyfriend never becoming your friend, but i'm glad i'm not one of them. I guess, my friendship with Dr. R was strong enough to withstand a 4 year relationship and a very muddy break-up.

Presenting the Present....

So how's my relationship with ME? Well... the last time i wrote about it, we had the whole "drama" going on... and the plot thickens.... hehehe we're already a couple! (goodluck!)

I've always told ME that he was unlike any other guy i've dated before... well, first and foremost, i've never pursued anyone this relentlessly, until ME. Hehehehe... I used to think, that if a guy really likes me, then he should make the first move and not me. If he doesn't like me that much, than i should go on to the next guy (hahahaha.... this is not to say that i jump from one bed to another that easily)...

ME is different... he has a certain charm that just makes my heart skip a beat, he has that goofy smile, that makes me just want to kiss him, and he has that child-like quality that endears him to my friends...

Don't get me wrong... there are things about ME that rub me the wrong way too... hey, nobody's perfect... The one thing i really hate about ME is his knack or should i say propensity to be overly late. He also has this idealistic notion that relationships shouldn't be a burden... and sometimes, i end up taking the whole brunt of the relationship, just so he doesn't feel that it's a burden... sometimes i do get tired... but at the same time, ME in his own way, has taught me to lighten up... to not be so serious about things...

A bright Future?

Only God knows what will happen to me and ME and to our budding relationship... I do love him... i really do... and I'm fully determined to make things work... at the same time, trying hard not to compromise who i am and my self worth...

I think a radio DJ put it succintly... "Most of the times the Perfect Catch comes in a not so Perfect package"... and i believe that relationships do take time, work, sacrifices and whole lot of lovin....

so is there a bright future for us? I hope and pray that there is. I do hope that ME is the one for me... but like i said in my earlier posts... what i want is not the only consideration... It takes two to TANGO right? So i better get my dancing shoes ready...

'nuff said.

Things are finally looking up...

After a string of really good dates and a few not so-good ones, my "relationship" or should I say my "dating status" with M.E. (the guy i'm currently dating since my "Games that People Play Post") was put to the ultimate test last saturday. To cut a very loooong story short, we had the worst date (so far) last saturday...

We already went out the day before (friday) but wasn't able to spend much time since he had to go home... plus the friday date didn't really end up well... I sort of felt bad that he didn't come up, although there was the perfunctory kiss or i should say kisses goodnight, I wanted him really bad... Suffice to say, we decided to go out the next day (saturday) to spend more time together.

I stayed at the apartment and went to school even though i didn't have classes on saturday just to try to find a suitable use of my time, since M.E. had a birthday dinner he had to go to, and a night out with his friend from Canada after. Since his friend was scheduled to leave the next day (sunday) the plan was to meet up after his night out. I caught the last full show of "If Only" , a movie starring Jeniffer Love Hewitt and Paul Nichols. (I liked this movie a lot... more in a future post)

Suffice to say, the movie ended around 12 mn, and when i called him, He was still with his friend. He told me to join them instead. The catch is, his friend doesn't know that M.E. was gay sooo... we had to act like friends. I was actually seriously contemplating on going home and give them a chance to enjoy each other's company, since he rarely saw his old buddy... but i also wanted to see M.E., so i decided against my better judgment and quickly changed and went to Malate.

While I was there, I was really uncomfortable... I didn't know how to act towards M.E. or his friend, since I didn't want his friend to notice that there was something going one between him and me.

Okay... short cut... instead of us (me and M.E.) spending time alone, we were stuck with his friend until 4 a.m... I tried to make the best out of the situation, and tried to enjoy myself. I was actually enjoying myself and having a good time. When M.E. said that we were leaving, i thought that we would bring his friend home first so that we could salvage whatever was left of our date. I was shocked and utterly surprised when he told me that he was going to bring me home first!

I don't know if it was the beer, the movie or all of my frustrations combined, but i felt really angry and disappointed. After trying to act normally in front of his friend, i quietly and angrily told M.E. that i was taking a cab home. Despite his protests, I hailed the next cab, slammed the door, jumped in and didn't look back. I was really angry at the whole situation. Moreso, i was angry at myself for losing my cool and getting angry. I knew that if things didn't work out before the sun rose, things would be over between us.

He called a few minutes later while I was on my way home... he apologized for the whole thing... he said he'd make it up... I was angry... scared... frustrated... I felt rejected and neglected... so when he said he'd call back i said, "do whatever you want"...

And he did call back... this time he said something that made my heart jump... He told me that if he "didn't have feelings for me" he wouldn't feel guilty or bad... I've waited for such a long time to hear those words from him... but at that time, i felt that it was already too late in the day... I told him that I wanted to think things through... and he apologized again...

So why did I say that things are finally looking up after this sob story? Well, we were able to talk a lot more after that... and that's when i realized that he does have feelings for me... probably not as deep-rooted as mine, but in his own way, M.E. didn't want to lose me... and that was the biggest jump i've experienced in the three months that i've been courting him...

I don 't know what will happen the next few days, weeks and months... I hope that things continue to be better from this day forward... I can only hope, pray and continue to show him that I love him... yes... it's official... i really do think i love him... it's scares me to just think that i do... but i know deep down how much i care for him...

I just wish he knew... and felt the same way...

So i guess until the next entry.... 'nuff said.

Progress Report...

Been away from blogging sooo long mainly due to busy sched and lack of internet connection at the apartment where I'm staying, so here's a short progress report of how my life has been the past few weeks...

BUSY BUSY BUSY... lol Since it's my last year in school, the "activity that should not be named" constantly rears its ugly head and strikes fear in every senior student's heart, including mine... and to make it worse, i'm really scared that my topic isn't viable at all... yikes!

MY SO-CALLED "LOVE LIFE"
Everything's okay i guess... after our phone conversation a few weeks (?) back, things are sailing smoothly... I was a little down about the stuff he told me, but like i said, i was willing to wait for him until i can... and i guess it's starting to pay off, i guess all i need is a little patience and a lot of hard work.

I just hope that things will work out for the better...

'Nuff said.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I've been ranting on and on about Dating Games that people play and this guy i'm currently dating... Mostly, I wanted to know what was going on between us, whether I was someone special or just someone he was dating as of the moment... well... i finally and not to mention unexpectedly got the answer to my questions when we talked over the phone a couple of hours ago...

In my previous posts, i longed for the honesty and the laying of "the cards on the table" deal... well the cards were laid alright... along with a lot of honesty.

He told me he that he likes me and that he enjoys going out with me... BUT... (and it's definitely a big one... ) he's not the relationship-guy... well... not now he says. He told me that as of the moment, he doesn't feel the need to "couple"... probably because he's comfortable with the way his life is and senses no void for a partner to "fill in"

I don't really know how to take this all in... All the warning bells are ringing in my head... He's the wrong guy to get involved with... all my years of dating experience point to the fact that he'll probably end up breaking my heart. The optimistic side (or should i say the naive side) of me still wants to see him... hoping that maybe someday, he'll think otherwise... I know, I know, it's a lot of wishful thinking really, but I can't help it, he has this effect on me that I can't seem to shrug off, no matter how much i know he's bad for me.

Is it just that I'm afraid to go out there again and look for a possible date, that I stubbornly cling to this guy? Is it because I like him that much? I don't really know... what i know is that I've already compromised a lot of myself while dating this guy, and if I do continue to date him, I'm sure that there will be a lot more down the road.

It was a relief to finally know and understand him, and in a way, it helped me get a real grip on the situation... But is this what I really want?

I know I'm the type of guy who dreams of the perfect relationship, of the perfect guy, although i'm beginning to think that neither exists. There is always something wrong with a guy i like... go figure.

When you meet someone and date him, you always have an end goal in mind, whether it be just a one-nighter or a relationship. With him, there seems to be no end, other than a series of exclusive dates, dinners, bars and sex.

I've overanalyzed our relationship and honestly, I'm tired. I don't know how much longer I can continue, but I won't give up on him so easily. Who knows right? But for know, it would be to my best interest not to expect too much from him... yeah right...

I guess only time can tell... at least i got what i wished for... honesty and clarity. Be careful what you wish for... you might just get it.

Catch 25

I Just remembered that I didn't make my birthday post yet... so i scurried to my 12-inch iBook and decided it was time once again to review the past year and how much i've grown since my 24th birthday... hehehe I'm really amazed at how time flies...

They say that with age comes maturity... I guess that's the reason why i'm attracted to older guys... I know, I know, age is never a good measure of maturity, but it's a known fact that older guys have a higher probability of being mature than younger guys... (it just so happens that i attract the older immature guys, with exception of my last ex.)

When I talk to older guys, they always ask me, "Are you sure you wanna talk to an older guy like me?" and my usual response would be "I have no issues with age, as long as you're not younger than me... then I'm set!"

It's true, i don't really have any problems with dating older men, i say, the older the better. hehehehe... And i myself, don't have a problem getting old... I'm actually excited to be 30. For me, 30 is the ideal age... You're already stable (financially and mentally, hehehe) you have your career and you have sufficiently experienced life to be mature enough, yet haven't fully experienced it yet to be jaded and bored...

However, the other day while i was chatting, i realized that i did have a thing with getting older. Not a negative thing, but still there was something there. I was talking to this guy who asked me how old i was, and this was how the conversation went:

Me : I'm relatively young.
Him : Yeah? How old are you?
Me : I'm 25
Him : Ohh... well, for me you're relatively old
Me : Huh?!? how old are you?
Him : I'm 19. =)

I almost fell off my computer chair when i read his "relatively old" bit. Don't get me wrong, like i said, I was never the vain type who fusses over age, its just that it was the first time that someone considered me as belonging to the "old" guys. It really hit something in me, that i thought was never there in the first place. It was then that i began to understand my friends when they say that when you reach 25, it's not the same anymore. You're in your mid-20's already and your perspective shifts. I didn't quite believe them when they said it.. but now i sure do.

It's weird that being 25 feels a whole lot heavier than being 24 or 23. It entails a lot, not only maturity but responsibility and a sense of an "old" self. I'm proud to be 25 and i'm looking forward to more birthdays. But somehow, I know now that i will never be the same 20+ year old that i once was.

So anybody want to do a catch 25?

Over and done with?!?

Last weekened, I prepared an elaborate date for me and my current "_____"... why the blanks?!?! Well for one thing... I sure as hell don't know what we are... are we exclusively dating? Is he my non-committal boyfriend? Are we just fuckbuddies, or special friends? I don't know the answer, and i don't think i'm close to finding it out...

So going back... I got my hands into a couple of bucks (well, gifts from my last 25th birthday) and since I had the means, i orchestrated this date. I booked a hotel room for an overnighter, decided to cook pesto (his favorite dish... personally i don't like it... i like carbonara better) fresh salad with caesar dressing (i didn't know what his fave was... it was only later that i found out that he like vinegrette dressing... go figure) chicken and tuna bread from overpriced breadtalk, and topped it off with miniature cakes (Strawberry Sweetheart and Blueberry Belle), again from breadtalk. I decorated the whole room with candles and beheaded a dozen of white and red roses to set the mood, sprinkling petals everywhere (i know housekeeping will track me down and kill me... hehehehe)

So why all the work? Well, I wanted the date to be special... not just the run-of-the-mill dates that i usually go to... I wanted it to be different... AND... i had an ulterior motive... I wanted to ask him where all of these was headed... hehehe... I actually wrote him a two-page letter which i was going to read when we got to dessert... So What happened, you ask?

MURPHY's Law happened... He was surprised... really taken aback with the whole preparations... I got the reaction that i wanted... BUT... the evening didn't quite turn out the way i planned... I got scared... I decided not to ruin the evening by reading him the letter... I felt it was just tooo soon in our dating life to ask him where all of this is leading to... I thought that i should at least wait for 2 months of dating or at least an 8th date... Or simply put... i chickened out...

Last weekend was supposed to be the pivotal point in our relationship... it was supposed to be the day i found out whether there's a possible "US" in the equation... Don't get me wrong... the evening was great... it was wonderful... you can even say magical... and the mere fact that he stayed over made it more special...

but i can't get over the nagging feeling that I still don't know the answer... Since last weekend, nothing's really changed that much... he still doesn't text until i text him... he still doesn't call me... i don't know... is the taurus in me over-analyzing everything?

All of these is taking a toll on me... physically and emotionally. I'm starting to ask myself if indeed i'm mature enough to handle a guy like him... Don't get me wrong, I don't want a clingy guy, who texts or calls every minute and gets mad if you don't answer back... but i also want someone who's interested in asking about how my day went... interested enough to inquire as to whether i'm still alive or not... Isn't it just natural reaction to know stuff about someone you like?

More questions and no answers... half of me regrets not reading him the letter and half of me still believes that the right time will come... but how will i know when to move on?

How will i know that this "_____" relationship is Over and done with?!?!

I guess only time will tell... I just hope i'm not in toooo deep when the time comes.

Delaying Tactics....

I'm here trying to write my thesis and i decided to write something else... hehehe The past few days have been nothing short of nerve-wracking... Remember the guy I'm dating? The one i alluded to in my "Games that People Play" post? Well... he's the reason why i'm writing in my blog again, instead of writing my thesis...

So what's up with us? Well that's the same question I would want an answer to... we've been on our third date already, and I still can't figure him out. Actually, i don't know what i feel for him also...

I like him a lot, but not that much to love him.. well, not yet.. I still have a lot of things to know about him... but for some reason, whenever I'm with him, i'm tight-lipped and so reserved... sooo unlike me.

He's just different from the other guys i've dated before... for some reason... he has this effect on me... I don't exactly know how to describe it, but i know it's there... weird huh?

My friends keep on telling me that i might be overanalyzing stuff between us... well, I can't help it.. it's the taurus in me... always feeling the need to solve the mystery, to be able to understand the people around me... is that to my detriment? I Actually don't know...

We're supposed to meet tonight, and i plan to tell him how i feel... i don't want him to be my boyfriend or me his... well, not yet anyway, but I would like to explore the possibility of an "us" in the equation. I do hope I get to talk to him tonight... he hasn't texted or called me.. so i guess i'll know later...

that's it for now... 'nuff said.

The Games that People Play

While I was watching 50 first dates, it got me thinking a lot about the games people play when it comes to the dating scene. We all put our best foot forward, wear clothes that highlight the most attractive part of our body and almost always say the right things to try to end the date in the best possible way... well, most of us anyway...

Sometimes we do get the dream date we want. For some of us, the dates end drastically while for others, the dates end short of being cataclysmic... hehehe, think I’m joking? Nope, not even one bit.

I’ve been single for about a month now, and I’ve started dating someone new. Someone I actually like. You might think that it’s too early, seeing that it’s only been a month from my previous relationship... but I don't think so.. time is relative when it comes to these sort of things. Suffice to say that my last relationship was bound to end... how come I knew? Well... let's just say that things weren't working out quite a long time before the relationship ended...

Going back... It's funny that nowadays, dating has become more of an interplay of tactics and strategy. Instead of just thinking what shirt goes best with your pants and shoes or where to go to... dating has progressed into a game. Liking someone, even intensely, is no longer enough. I guess dating rules have existed ever since, but for some reason it's more complicated now... Or is it our fault that the rules have become so complicated?

My friends have always told me various dating rules... "don't let a guy know that you're sooo interested in him... that's a relationship killer.", "first dates and first impressions are pivotal... it can make or break you", and my all time favorite..."don't make yourself look too available..."

I've tried to adhere to these rules and some others, for as long as i can remember... and most of the time they work... but here's the thing... I'm tired of playing games... I don't know... Does it come with age? With maturity? or Am I just plain tired?

Why can't things be simple? You like me, I like you... let's hook up and see if we'll be happy together... Why can't i just pick the phone up or my cellphone and text you whenever I want, without thinking that i'm making myself too available? Dammed if I know the answer.

I'm not saying that when you like someone and he likes you it's automatic commitment... Even I don't want that... I guess what i want is honesty... full disclosure... no games to hide behind... no walls to tear and break down...

Even if someone shows you that he's interested in you, there's still that nagging feeling that he doesn't like you that much when he doesn't answer your calls, when he doesn't reply to your text messages, or doesn't even bother to call you or get in touch with you for the whole day... I know, I know... I'm being paranoid, insecure and somewhat insipid... but the thing is that feeling of uncertainty is really too much too handle for a taurean like me...

Why can't people just own up to their emotions and then take it from there?

All these questions, and no answers... one thing's for sure though... I will keep on playing the game... as tired as i am, it's the best thing that I can do so I won't get hurt and fall flat on my face when the time comes...

Jewel was right... these foolish games are tearing us apart.

A Skip, Hop and a Page After...

I gingerly closed the book "Objects of My Affection" after reading the last page... and I felt a mix of emotions swirling inside me...

I read the book eagerly when I first laid my eyes and my hands on it... I relished every detail and was transported to Brooklyn, transfixed by the complexity of the characters... their flaws, their weaknesses, their strengths, and the hurdles that they had to go through... I envied them, I pitied them, and i empathized with them...

Reading the book begs the question: "Was it better than the movie?"

Honestly...I don't know... The movie albeit simple, was insightful and endearing... it was entirely different from the book but oddly similar... They took away a couple of characters, merged a few and added some to the story...

The book on the other hand explored a lot of issues regarding relationships and the idiosyncratic behavior of the characters that often caused the conflict. There were times when i felt depressed while reading the book, as I associated with the conflicts and the feelings that George and Nina felt...

I liked the book (i can even say I loved it)... that much I know... however, i don't know if i liked it more than its movie adaptation, but no matter how hard i tried to compare it with its movie version, i couldn't, as the movie didn't quite capture the way Stephen McCaulley described his characters, the setting and how they interacted...

I guess the only way to reconcile this is to treat them as different stories involving different kinds of characters who just by some coincidence had the same name...

'nuff said.

I Found it! I Found it!

"One should not be
so hard on oneself when
the object of one's affections
does not return it with the
same fervor as one might have hoped"

I Can't believe It! I finally found it! I went into a bookstore and asked the clerk if they had the "Object of My Affection" book by Stephen McCauley. I actually forgot the author's name since i've lost all hope of ever finding a copy of the book. It was only last year, after watching the movie again that I found out that it was actually based on a book. I loved the movie sooo much (scroll down a couple of posts and you'll see why) that I had to get a copy of the book, if only to read the original story and understand it.

My experience has been that a book will almost always win over the movie version of it. Well in exceptional circumstances, such may not be the case. A case in point: i couldn't stand reading the LOTR series by Tolkien but I liked the movie very much.

So i had to find out for myself if the book was greater than the movie. However, i couldn't find a copy even in the used bookstores all over the metro! After valiant efforts to secure a copy, i found myself at a loss...I was dumbfounded, resigned to the fact that I will never get to read the book... well that was until last tuesday...

I waited patiently before the counter until the clerk came back... I was excited... he didn't tell me outright that they did not have the book... he just kind of looked at the computer screen and said... "sandali lang sir ha..." I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I decided that it was best to think that the bookstore did not have a copy...

When he handed me the copy (a paperback one at that) I almost kissed him, er, the book i mean... (freudian slip anyone?) I couldn't believe i was now holding a copy of the book i've wanted for sooo long... I've only read a few pages, but soooo far I'm not disappointed... the book describes the characters in such detail that is impossible to capture in the movies... A reader is given an insight as to the inner workings of the mind of the protagonist George Mullen... I have yet to finish reading the book, and one thing is for sure... i will read this and enjoy every page and not skip jump nor hop to a few pages... sometimes, being patient has its rewards...

'nuff said.

Finding myself a hundred thousand miles away from home

euro flag
Originally uploaded by fullyloaded.

Against the background of blue sky,
the stars form a circle, symbolising union.
The number of stars is fixed,
twelve being the symbol of perfection and completeness
and bringing to mind the apostles,
the sons of Jacob, the labours of Hercules,
the months in the year, etc...

----------------------------------------------------------

This entry has long been overdue, but for some reason, I just couldn't find the time to write it and so much has happened the past few weeks since the last time I wrote that it would take me a very long post just to say everything... well... I don't have that luxury so I guess bits and pieces will have to do...

Yep, I finally went to Europe. My first ever trip out of the country just with my friends and without any family member... it was sort of weird for me... I always thought that i'd go to places with my family in tow... I felt freed somehow... hehehe... free to roam Europe by myself... er, not really by myself, but with my peers.

They say traveling changes you, and it certainly changed me. It was really an eye-opening experience for me. Seeing different cultures and how they live, act and even down to what they eat was an experience worth the wait and not to mention the cost.

As much as traveling was an exciting adventure for me, it also made me feel sad... sad about how other countries have progressed, and how little I can say about how our country was doing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to change my citizenship or leave the Philippines (although I might, but only for work...) but it saddens me that we are still light years away from the progress that other countries are now enjoying...and I understand now, how many of our countrymen become so seduced to seek greener pastures outside of the Philippines... Nevertheless... with the sadness also comes the hope that someday... someday... we will also earn this kind of progress... I just hope that I am still alive to see that day...

Now, my sojourn has ended and I am back to the hot and humid Philippines... It was kind of weird leaving Europe and going back here... I had to adjust again. Not only was my body clock still Euro-time, but for some reason, the heat was too much for me... But I took it in stride and tried to live each day as it came... I miss the cold weather of Europe, but there is something in the Philippines that Europe does not have... my family...

You know what else was weird when I got back? Well, I sort of plunged into this hermit-mood, as I would like to call it. For some reason only God knows what, I distanced myself from my friends, my bestfriend, and even my boyf... I don't really know why... but I just didn't want to talk to anyone...

I guess the normal reaction would have been to talk incessantly about my trip, how beautiful Europe was at night... how mind-boggling the sights were and how I experienced my first snow... but oddly enough, I just clammed up and didn't want to talk to anybody, except my mom and my siblings with whom I shared most of my experiences.

I still feel I'm not ready to talk about my Europe trip... is it because that while I was there I realized a lot of things? Come to think of it... it's quite odd that I had to travel a hundred thousand miles to find myself in a country where mostly people don't understand me... maybe that's just it... since I had nothing else to do, well, except exclaim"wow"€ and the perfunctory "oohs"€ and "aahs"€ whenever I came across every scenic view I could lay my eyes on... I was able to think about life... my choices and who I want to be. Sometimes, I'd gaze out of the window of our hotel and look at the stars or the snow-capped mountains, or watch the sun rise or set... and think... have I made the right decisions in my life?

I have always been too busy to think about things other than passing law school... and I guess too much thinking shorted my brain out... hehehe... but still I can't get over the nagging thought that during my journey, I found out that some decisions in my life could have been made different... if I was just prudent enough to oversee the consequences of my actions...

And every night, as I close my eyes and my body starts to relax... I begin to think... wary of the answers that may follow... is everything really alright? Or am I just fussing over something that's not even worth it? I guess I'l know soon enough... I just need more time...

Down and Out

Ding-Ding-Ding!!!!

I can almost hear bells ringing in my ears, you know, the ones used in boxing matches... I'm just so damn tired these past few days... I haven't had decent sleep for almost 4 days now, and i keep on running back and forth trying to finish requirements for school and preparing for my trip to Europe.

This post will be short, my mind is tired and my body weak... i just hope everything turns out alright....

see ya.

Fuckin' A!

I went to the Newspaper Rack in the Library to read reports about the Valentine's Day Bombing. At the front page, big black and bold letters shouted "12 Dead in Valentine's Day Bombing." A picture showing the burnt bus, a victim slumped over the seat (burnt beyond recognition) and police officers inspecting the wreckage, accompanied the headline.

I continued reading and found out that there were actually 3 bombings, one in General Santos, another in Davao and here in Makati, supposedly as a "valentine's gift" to her excellency, the Prez.

The title of the adjacent article almost made me laugh...

"MALACANANG CONDEMNS THE VALENTINE'S DAY BOMBINGS"

One doesn't have to be a psychic to predict that the government will condemn the bombings. DUH??!?!?!? Lest they want to incur the wrath of the people, the best course of action to take is of course to release a press statement that the government will not tolerate any act of terrorism...

A lot of bull is what it is! So what's next? Condemning any and all acts of terrorism most certainly won't make it stop, and releasing a press release to that effect won't allay the fears of the general public.

I have always believed that actions speak louder than words, and an act done definitely means a lot more than a word uttered. Instead of releasing such a lame statement, the Government should make concrete steps to make sure that this never happens again. They owe it to the public who elected them and placed their asses in their positions to protect and serve the country. ( i told you i was an idealist...)

It was really disconcerting to see that a news item about the President and her Hubby (who are rumored to be sleeping in different rooms) being "intimate like any other couple on valentines day" was placed next to the article about the Valentine's Day bombings. Was that just poor layouting?

All i can say is... Fuckin' A to the lame-ass press release and who the hell cares about how the President and her Hubby spent their valentines, when a lot of people are suffering in hospitals because of the bombings and almost a quarter of Filipinos are hungry because of the economic crisis?

'Nuff said.

An Act of Hatred on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day... a day where love is supposed to reign supreme... a day where cupid works overtime, and possibly the day where conception is at it's highest... (*wink* *wink*) For some, valentine's day is just like any other day of the week, nothing special... just a puffed-up excuse for florists to charge exorbitant fees for flowers (prices go up as high as 100%), a venue for chocolate-lovers to binge on sinfully delicious confectionnaires... or a chance for some to ante up their intimacy levels...

Me? Well... i invoke my right against self-incrimination... (hehehe...)

What i didn't expect on Valentine's Day, was an ACT of HATRED. Around 6-7 pm on Feb. 14, a RCG Bus exploded resulting to the death of 3 and the injuries of many. Instead of a cozy bed, delicious chocolates and a bouquet of flowers, the passengers and the loved ones of the ill-fated bus celebrated Valentine's day in tears, slumped in hospital beds while taking medicine for their injuries. Reports are sketchy as to the origin of the blast, but an infamous terrorist/secessionist group is claiming responsibility. Does it make them proud that on the day of hearts, they caused so many to be broken?

I have never understood why people resort to such acts of depridation just to make others see their cause... Have people become so blind that the only way to educate them is to kill, maim or otherwise cause them undue harm? I don't think so... I pray that it isn't so...

It's really scary when you think about it... holidays marred by deaths of innocent people... the first one of its kind (well, the first one I witnessed and remember) was the Rizal Day Bombing where a MRT train was bombed a few days before New Year and during the day set for remembering our national hero... If this keeps up, holidays will soon be feared instead of looked forward to....

From the Old Come the New...

I was busy rummaging through my old stuff to find my old passport pictures, for class and for my Schen-Gen VISA application (more about my trip to Europe in the next blogs) when I suddenly came accross a Stenographer's Notebook tucked neatly inside my drawer...

I couldn't remember the contents of the Steno Notebook so i decided to take a peek despite the tons of homework I needed to finish. I was surprised when I read the contents. It was my old journal... one I started waaay back when I was just a freshman in law school. Funny, it seemed that I was already blogging 3 years ago (well, technically it was a non-internet journal-diary) and I was reminded of how different i was 3 years ago... (duh!?!)

Anyway, I read some of the entries and some made me smile, while others made me want to relive the moments of yesteryears... hehehehe... (though, i wouldn't want to go back to 1st year... heck, i'm only a year away from graduating!)

After reading my old journal, my nostalgia got the better of me, and i decided to look at my old pictures, old letters and stuff just gathering dust. It was amazing how i've changed since then... My dreams, thoughts weren't the same... I looked at all the familiar faces, smiled at the early 90's fashion and laughed while remembering old jokes and felt a little sad while remembering my exes... (hehehehe)

It's always nice to go back to the past to remember things, to remind us that at one point in time, we were hopeful, ideal, and STUPID... hahahaha... Don't get me wrong, if i was asked to change my life, i guess i would have wanted it to stay the same (well... better grades wouldn't hurt... hehehehe) Looking back helps us understand who we are now and why we are who we are (Garsh... rambling... somebody hit me...)

The future seems soooooo distant... the present toooo "in your face"... and it's nice once in a while to sit back, relax and let the good old times roll...

Adam of my eye

adam garcia
Originally uploaded by fullyloaded.

I can't help it! i'm sssssoooooo smitten with adam garcia... an aussie actor who has appeared in films like Wilde, Confessions of a Drama Queen, Coyote Ugly, etc.

First time i saw him in Coyote Ugly, my jaw almost dropped... he has the next-door -guy look that makes you just want to go next door and look at him all the time (i swear... i have the makings of a stalker) ... hehehehe

I can write all night long on how i find him cute and not to mention sexy, but i'll save the gory details and just say.... *SIGH*

An Unexpected Rendezvous...

It's been a while since i was able to write... Hellish Mid-terms and all... but now, it's finally over and I can go back to studying... again... hahahaha... I tell you, law school has stripped me of any semblance of a social life... aside from my regular friday nights with my boyf (that even gets re-set once in a while due to school) i've become a hermit (and i'm beginning to show too... with my overgrown hair and full beard - yikes!)

So, here i was nonchalantly chatting with my friends and comparing answers to our last exam when we passed by this resto that i usually hang out and study (and eat of course!) and lo and behold a familiar face caught my eye... I couldn't believe it!

I never thought i'd see this guy again for the rest of my life... definitely not after a harrowing exam on a very windy day... NOT when I looked so "harassed" and "lost"...well, there's wishful thinking for you...

I think a brief backgrounder is in order...

Let's go back approximately 8 months ago... I just broke up with my 4 year ex... THEN... i met this really cool guy in chat... he's not the COSMIC BOOST GUY(my current boyf) , i met this guy a month earlier...let's call him P. He's the one i wrote about in Nameless, Faceless Me... It's somewhere below... hehehehehe... anyway... so we got to talk and he was reaaaaaaallly nice...

short facts to cut to the chase: we got really close fast, he's 20 yrs my senior and he went to my house 1 very early monday morning (try 3:00 am) all the way from Ortigas to the far south just to surprise me... then all of a sudden, he stopped calling and stopped texting and just stopped!

When i saw him, i felt my world stop... it was like it was just the two of us... i didn't hear what my friends were complaining about, didn't notice that a kid on one of those rubber shoesies with wheels was tumbling all the way down the sidewalk (OUCH - my friend couldn't believe i missed it)

I was really suprised... er, taken aback... or should i say dumbfounded when i saw him... I saw the flicker of recognition in his eyes, notwithstanding my haggard-lost-windblown hair-scraggly look. I couldn't read what he was thinking when he saw me, coz i looked away, but not right before our eyes locked. After we passed him, I was still in shock and decided to have a second look... and he was also looking back! Damn!

So what's all this rambling about? Well, i didn't know that he could still have such an effect on me... specially now that i'm in a relationship. I thought i had been able to put him behind... well... something tells me i wasn't...

Don't get me wrong... I don't want to run to his arms and be in a relationship with him... I guess i just want to know what went wrong... what happened... I've written about Closure in this blog (although for a diff guy), and once again i'm confronted by the same problem... We were never really able to finish things between us... to finally settle it... i guess that's what's bothering me... at the back of my mind, i'm thinking that maybe this was the last time i'm going to see him and find out for myself what really happened... that maybe there was a reason for him suddenly not texting...

But all of that are just speculations and surmises, as I let the opportunity pass by when i turned around and continued walking towards the mall with my friends... when i came out after having dinner, i passed by the same restaurant and he was no longer there... I guess he finished his dinner in a hurry to avoid meeting up with me, or maybe he just decided to leave like the first time... Damned if i know...

So what have i learned? Well.. besides from trying not to get caught during a windy, haggard and harassed day (which i think is really inevitable in law school) I realized that life has a funny way of spicing things up when you least expect it... That things left unsettled will bite you in the ass one day... and that it's not so nice to trip, then fall down the sidewalk because of rubber skate shoesies... (if ever i get a kid, i won't let him wear one... or let him wear one, but keep him on a leash, like the one i see on rich kids in the malls these days... para tuloy pet yung anak... )

'nuff said.

A year that was...

Seeing that the first month of 2005 is almost up... I decided to take stock of what happened to me the during the year of the monkey... my year actually... 2004

2004 ushered in a lot of changes in my life... from good things to bad... I realize that it would be cumbersome to recount all 365 1/4 days of my life in a single post, (and i don't think someone would care to read a blow-by-blow account of my escapades - pun intended); here are some of the highlights...

an end of an era...
2004 is significant for me, not only because i can now proudly proclaim that i'm in my mid-20's (har-har)... it was the year that i ended a relationship with someone i shared most of my late teens and early 20's with... it was the year that my 4-year relationship ended... it was a mess... i felt guilty... lonely... and most of all ashamed that i could hurt someone so bad as i hurt him...

why an era? Well... i was never good at keeping relationships... either i was to needy or i was indifferent... 4 years is a pretty long time for me... and i didn't regret every single day i was with him... don't get me wrong, there were the occasional fights, the disagreements... but what i cherish the most were the lessons i learned from him... he taught me how to reach out to people, to be kind, to be honest... and most of all to love my family...

no longer a sophomore...
2004 also meant being a 3rd year student... 1 more year and then i'm finally through with school and will start earning my keep (yikes!) but horrible as that sounds, i find it very exciting to finally be free of the confines of the classroom... to spread my arms and shout wildly... "Here I come, world!" Although... i do hope the world is ready for me... hehehe

a recent mac-convert...
after almost 12 years of using Windoooowze Peecees... i saw the "light" (more of the illuminated apple icon at the back of mac portables) and changed systems... this drastic change in technology was brought about by numerous visits to the computer doctor to have my laptop re-formatted, re-installed, cleaned for viruses and getting sick of seeing pop-up messages exclaiming "you did something wrong, or maybe you didn't but your computer is going to crash anyway" or something to that effect... hehehe

am i happy with the change? Well... "happy" isn't really the word for it... ecstatic maybe? wide-eyed wonderment perhaps? Hey, i won't lie, there are things that PC's can do that Macs cannot (for now), but i have to agree, that the stability of the Mac really does wonders for the nerves (or maybe i just stopped drinking coffee?) i'm no longer afraid of viruses, trojan whatevers and stuff that could shrink the balls of a warrior (i'm just rambling now... somebody please stop me...)

a much needed cosmic boost...
while 2004 saw the end of numerous trilogies such as The Lord of the Rings; The Matrix and saw the the demise of shows such as Friends, Dark Angel, Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the like... i received a much needed cosmic boost that spiced up my life...

i met my next boyf a few months after i ended my 4 year relationship (too quick to get back to the saddle, you say) but it's been 7 wonderful months since that fateful day we said "yes" and i have no complaints...

a future worth planning
i really have to stop myself, or this might just be toooo long to be interesting... har-har... the year 2005 promises to be harder than the last, as a lot of people say, since this is the year of the rooster (a lot of bull, er, should i say cockameme rules).

needless to say, i still have a year to go... a year full of law books, jurisprudence and the dreaded T-H-E-S-I-S (a.k.a "the activity that should not be named") still have the fourth installment of "Harry Potter: The Goblet of Fire" to look forward to and the 6th Book to read... so i guess.. this is goodbye... for now...

'Nuff Said.

Let Me Sleep...

kirsten dunst
Originally uploaded by fullyloaded

for some reason, whenever i hear this song... I feel so moved by the lyrics and the emotion... I never knew kirsten dunst had it in her...

i guess in a way i can relate to the song... heck, all of us can... i know that all of us were once bitten by the love bug, but unfortunately it was unrequited... enough gibberish... see for yourself...

Let me sleep

For when I sleep
I dream that you are here
Your mine and all my fears are left behind
I float on air the nightingale sings gentle lullabyes
So let me close my eyes and sleep
For a chance to dream
So I can see the face
I long to touch
To kiss
But only dreams can bring me this so let
The moon shine softly on the boy I long to see
And maybe when he dreams
he'll dream of me

Up high beneath the clouds
I'd whisper to the evening star
They tell me love is just a dream away
::dream away dream away dream away::
I'll dream away

So let the moon
shine softly on the boy I long to see
and maybe when he dreams
he'll dream of me

ooh dream of me

13 Going on 30

13 Going on 30
Originally uploaded by fullyloaded.

I just finished watching 13 going on 30 and after watching the movie, I can’t help but smile. It’s a nice no frills-no-thrills kind of movie that takes a look at what people think are important in life.

Jennifer Gardner playing the 30 year old Jenna Rink is both child-like and breath-taking at the same time. It’s a story about this 13 year old girl that wanted to grow up so badly that she got what she wished for the next morning she woke up.

Fastforward 17 years and she’s this savvy and not to mention sexy ad agency executive who has it all -- or so she thinks... She works for a very popular magazine, goes out with the cutest hockey player, owns the most expensive clothes and the lifestyle that most people dream about... however, as the movie progresses, we see that her fantasy life is yet to be envied...

Although she has everything, she has no true friends, she is disliked by many and she is feared by her colleagues. She soon realizes that her dream life is turning into a nightmare. She finds solace with a childhood friend Matt, who has turned into this handsome next-door-guy type who is soon to be married to someone else.

What made me write and include this movie in my Flick Pick is that the movie made me think about the mistakes that i did when i was er, younger.?

I may not be 30 yet, but there are some things in my life that I would want to go back to. Things that I did and persons that I hurt that are forever lost to time. We all want our second chances, but we are not as lucky as Jenna Rink to be able to go back and re-write our own history.

I often find myself wishing that I was back to some points in my life that I wished I had done something different. But as I said, we can only be so lucky... So where does this leave us? Well... Someone once said, there’s no use crying over spilt milk, and I agree... What we can do is get a mop and clean the mess up...

Life is about making the wrong and right choices and living with the consequences of these choices. Someone sent me a text message which I think is appropriate for this log and it goes something like this:

“When we were little kids, we couldn’t wait to grow up and fall in love, now that were grown-up, we realize that wounded knees are easier to heal than broken hearts...”

It is true that when we were a little younger, we wished so fervently to grow up, to be who we think we wanted to be... It’s funny that it is only when we grow up that we realize that things were much simpler when we were kids. Growing up entails a lot of work and relationships as we grow tend to become complicated.

This is why i liked the movie. Although it is far from reality, the movie more or less captures the impatience of youth and the dillemma that adults face. It made me realize that instead of wishing for a better today, I should cherish what I have now and hope that when the time comes that I encounter another fork on the road, the better choice, if not the best would be easy to follow

A Promise Made

     I've been soooo busy lately with law school starting and a new relationship in the works, I barely have time to write in my blog... I guess that's why for the past few weeks, the blog has been forgotten and remain untouched... that is until tonight...

     So what's new you ask?  Gosh, sooo many things have happened to me since my last post... I'm currently trying out a new role in life right now.. well.. it's not entirely accurate to say that it's a new role, since i've been trying to live that role for about 4 times not counting my current reprisal of the role... allow me to make sense of all the gibberish.. hahahahaha

     Last June 22nd, i made a promise... a commitment so to speak... to be with this other person... yes... the fates have finally decided where my Cosmic Boost was supposed to lead.. and it led me right to him... So as of the 22nd, I'm no longer an "I" but I'm now also a "We"...

      It's so nice to finally be with someone who can understand me like he does, to be with someone who loves me as much as I love him.

      While we were at his friend's birthday party, his friend asked me... "What makes this relationship different from your past exes?" and the question really got me thinking... So what else is new?  Is my current relationship bound to suffer the same fate as my past ones?

      Honestly, I don't know the answer to that question... don't get me wrong... i have racked my brains, talked to some old friends and even prayed for the answer, but still it eludes me.  Then all of a sudden it came to me... There is NO answer...

      We are all conditioned to think that the course of true love never runs smooth... that in order for us to feel the depth, the density and the true-ness so to speak of "true love", we all have to face insurmountable odds, to stare fear in the eye and plunge into the deep abyss...  I used to believe that... but now... i don't think it's true anymore...

      Everything with my new relationship fell into place...at just the right time, and just at the right moment... we never had to push ourselves to like each other... we didn't have to rush into anything... everything happened as it was supposed to happen... no pressures, no expectations...

      I don't know what tomorrow will bring for both of us... I don't know how long this cosmic boost will last... We all want our current relationships to last us a lifetime... but no one can really say for certain whether it will last or not... If we did, then all the fun would have been taken out of the relationship... the getting to know stage... the quarrels and the making up... the laughters and the tears... and if we did know everything... then it would lead to taking the other person for granted... fully knowing that at the end of it all, the two of you will always end up together...

      It's ironic, that this "uncertainty" is the difference that is present in my current relationship that was lacking in my past ones... This "uncetainty", coupled with the understanding that the "course of true love can run smooth" is what is different....

      I cannot promise that i will always be truthful, that i will always be there for you... I cannot promise to give you the world, and i cannot promise you a future with me... BUT this is what I can promise... I WILL TRY... I will give it my all... I will do my darndest to make it work this time...

      Life is too short to dwell on the past and too uncertain to make rigid plans for the future... all that we can do is live in the "now" and think of the foreseable future... I do want to live with you... to be with you till we're both gray and wrinkly... BUt that is too far into the future... all we have is now... and what we do with today will almost always be an indicator of what will happen tomorrow...

   I never realized how much i love you until now... and whatever happens... you have my promise...

A Much Needed Cosmic Boost

3 nights ago... I was logged on in chat fooling around with a few friends when I heard the all to familiar sound of somebody sending me a private message... I looked at the upper part of the screen and saw that a guy whose nick was "regularJOE" was asking me something....

We started talking and I wasn't really paying too much attention to him because i was also talking to a few guys... but then weird things started to happen...

It was as if the fates decided to have a little fun with us... we'd always end up typing the same things and saying the same lines... either we'd use the same words or say the same thing but word it differently... We also found out that we had a lot of things in common... and when I say in common... It was more of the same exact thing!  It was surreal but really cool!

I've never met someone in chat with whom i shared soo many things in common... and we could talk about almost anything... We had a really nice time chatting that we decided to risk it and talk on the phone instead...

Ever since... we just can't help but talk to each other... and i found myself hoping... maybe this is it... maybe this is the much needed Cosmic boost i've been waiting for...

Sealed with a kiss

Last Saturday, May 30, 2004, I was on my way to Greenbelt 3 to have a long overdue reunion dinner with my college friends.  When I arrived there however, I found out that it wasn’t just a reunion dinner… It was a surprise birthday party for me!  My very first surprise party! Yay!

I was really touched by the effort that my friends made in orchestrating the party.  Most of the people that mean a lot to me showed up.  And the biggest surprise of it all was that it was really my ex boyfriend who planned the whole thing and asked the help of my buddies to pull it off.  It was sweet of him to do that.

When I saw him arrive, my mouth almost dropped… I wasn’t expecting him to be there and boy, did he look great!  The whole time, I had to keep reminding myself that we were not together anymore and it was difficult for me not to be sweet to him.

For a moment, the idea of us getting back together played through my mind.  I asked myself that maybe I’m looking at the person that I should be with… and then I remembered the reasons why we broke up and the thought vanished as quickly as it came.

My ex and I shared a lot of things, memories specially… we were together for almost four years… and it’s been 3 months since we broke up and it is only now that I am sure that I don’t want to go back to him… What he did was really sweet… but if I linger on the happy moments, the sweet moments… then I’d loose track of the reasons why we’re no longer together… reasons that I should not forget…

And so… as we said our goodbyes, I gave him a hug… thanked him for the wonderful party and gave him a quick kiss.  It was through the kiss that I told him what I could not express through words… “I miss you”… and “goodbye”….

Dangerous Liaisons

A few nights ago, I met a very interesting guy in chat.  He was a smooth talker, one who can whisk you off your feet with his words, a guy who knows how to push the right buttons at just the right time… He doesn’t do boyfriends, he’s all fuck, no apologies, no regrets… He exudes confidence; he says what he feels, no bullshit, no sugar-coated half-truths and no half-baked lies… straight and direct to the point… I guess that’s what I liked about him… but here’s the catch… He’s MARRIED with kids…

So we started talking about his life, his sex-capades and mostly we fooled around… During the course of our conversation, I noticed that he has this tendency of bringing out the worst in me… hahahaha… How so?  Well… I’m the kind of guy who thrives on propriety, never a hair out of place, a cuss word uttered only when necessary… and I was surprised because whenever I talk to him, propriety went out of the window… It was something to just let myself go, to say things that are not appropriate knowing that the person you’re talking to will not get offended…

So what happened?  Well… after almost 5 hours of sexual banter, we finally set a date for us to meet and do the nasty… I don’t know how he was able to convince me to agree to this indecent proposal but I found myself scheduling our “meeting” in my day book… just before a date I’m supposed to have and right after I finished fixing my new apartment…

So it was settled… he would pay for everything, pick me up and all I had to do was just show up… all ready, willing and able.  The day after we chatted I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was doing something wrong… That I was messing around with a person I shouldn’t… and I wondered whether I could go through with it…

Don’t get me wrong… I love sex like the next guy, but I’m in a stage in my life that I’m looking for more than just a fuck… I know that he won’t be able to give me what I’m looking for… which is a relationship… and the thing that bothered me most was the fact that he was married… and with kids…

I spent the whole day thinking about the right thing to do… I didn’t want to let my hormones get the better of me… do something that sooner or later I’ll regret… and so I decided… I decided not to push through with the whole thing…

I guess I just discovered my limit… I won’t get into bed with married guys… It’s just something that I feel is wrong… I guess it would be tolerable if he was just in a relationship, but we’re talking about marriage here!   I cannot compromise my values for sex… even if it’s very good sex… I’m not judging people who do… Judgments are not my style…hey, I’m no saint…I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of, but I guess a guy has to draw the line somewhere.. and this for me is my line.

And so I told him the last time I talked to him that I couldn’t go through with the whole thing… and instantly I felt better.  I know that I passed upon a great fuck… it could even be legendary… but I know for a fact that Dangerous Liaisons can and will never be at par with making love to the right person at the right time…

A faceless nameless me...

I just came out of the gym, all dressed up...nowhere else to go except home...
I stopped at the open air parking lot to marvel at the starless sky and decided to sit on the hood of my car, facing an old oak tree... Didn't want to go home.. not yet...

I wanted to think... to be by myself & to write about my thoughts and my feelings... So I rummaged through my bag to get the things I need...  So I sat down on the hood again and started thinking about the past few days...

I looked at the scraggly branches of the tree and heard cars around me pulling out while some where driving around looking for free parking space and it suddenly occured to me...

How can ONE person have that much power to ruin your day?!?!

He hasn't called yet, I haven't even gotten a text message from him today.. not even a simple hello... And i'm at my wits end, trying to figure out why the hell he hasn't called or texted...

Was this kharmic retribution for all the similar things I've done to a few guys I've dated?  At least I had the decency to tell them that I wasn't interested anymore...

At the oter side of the parking lot, I can hear someone laughing... Ahh... it would be nice to laugh & smile & feel good.. but I can't... not his day, not this minute... no matter how hard I try... The laughter continues and somehow I feel that it's mocking me... (now I'm just being paranoid...)


A cigarette touches my lips and I feel the warmth coming from the glowing ember....( i know, i know.. these things will be the end of me...) and i feel helpless.. I can't do anything... I don't want to call him.. I don't want to make the first move... I've already called for about 4 times now.. and sent him a text message...  I think I'd look pathetic if I called him again...  A friend once told me that you shouldn't show a guy that your so smitten by him... otherwise, kiss him goodbye...

Fuck! Who the hell made these stupid rules up anyway?!?!?  Why can't I just call him & think nothing of it...?!?!?!


Before i cuss out all the dirty words I know, i think it best to explain the circumstances that lead me to this current situation... Our situation is something really much less to be desired...

He's currently Single.. no problems in that area... everything has to do with his EX... You see, they wre together for almost  8 years and now it's been almost 3 years since they broke up... So where's the problem you ask?!?!

Well, the problem is this... They still live together in one house & sleep in ONE bed.. Yup!!!! You read correctly... they sleep in ONE, SINGLE Mattress... and Up until now, he hasn't told his ex about me...

Why?!?! Well, first and foremost, Our meeting isn't what you'd call desireable in his social class... We Met in a chatroom... I know I know.. What the big deal right?!?! Well apparently, for him and his so-called class, chatting is considered to be "sleazy" and "cheap"... a place where you can't find a person worth knowing, one whorth spending a lifetime with...

BOy, would i like to shove what they think of chat right up in their asses and prove them wrong just to shut them up!  He hasn't told his ex about me, because his afraid of getting teased about it.. if there was nothing between them, then why the hell should he care about what his ex thinks right?!?!  Or maybe, it's just the way he was brought up... Damned if I know the answer...

Second REason:  He's 20 years my senior.. Yup.. If he were straight and decided to marry at the age of 24, I could very well be the same age as his son...  But age was never really an issue for me.. in fact, I find older guys really attractive... Don't get me wrong.. I won't go for octagenarians (sorry... but a guy has to set his limits right?) ... but the 30-40 guys really do it for me.. & I'm not talking about sex...

I guess i find in them the sense of security and the maturity that boys, er.. men my age don't have...

WE've known each other for almost a week and a 1/2 and we haven't even had a real date yet... no chance to eat nor talk... Heck, I'd even settle for just a talk... Sure, he went to my place around 3 in the morning.. but it was just a short visit.. we didn't even have a chance to talk...

Whenever he calls me.. or answers my calls, it's always on his time... always when the EX isn't with him.. or when he's alone... Hey.. I know when NOT to look a gift horse in the mouth... but sometimes.. I just feel like I'm a 3rd party... and the funny thing is.. He's single and technically we're NOT even dating!

It's frustrating that i can't call him whenever i want to.. he even uses a separate number to call me and text me... Talk about being sneaky huh?!?  We always have to sneak around to talk to each other.. It's alright as long as the EX is NOT there, but the moment the EX rears his head.. Man I'm just dropped like a hot potato...

I'm trying to understand his situation.. really I am, but sometimes I just feel so 2nd fiddle, and the fact that there's no 1st fiddle makes it all worse... Which brings me to the next question...


Until when can I compromise?  From what I've learned... Compromise is supposed to be finding a win-win situation... How come I feel that i've been handed the short end of the deal in this one?

I'm not asking him to be my boyfriend, although the thought has been cropping up once in a while... but at least as a friend I deserve more than what i have right now...  Starting from a cameo role & building it up to a co-starring appearance is the way to go I know.. but i don't even have a cameo role.. I'm just the guy at the background, nameless and whose face is blurred because i'm out of the camera's focus... I'm just nobody...

I don't know what I feel for him... If there is one thing I know.. It's that I'm starting to have strong feelings for him.. I dare not use the "L" word.. too much.. too soon... too fast.. Even I know that... but i would like to get to know him, to know how he likes his eggs, whether he likes tea or coffee or whether he likes the same things I do.. but that is learned through the course of a relationship... whether as a boyfriend or as a friend... of which I am currently niether...  I am but an acquaintance.. a name that has no particular meaning

I just wish I knew how he felt about me.. whether he wants to take the next step or not...

As I took deep puff on my cigarette... I watch the embers grow bright... And i found myself wishing once again... Wishing that he knows how much power he holds over me... how easily he can discard me like I did to my cigarette... I wish that I held the same power over him.. but knowing how the world owrks, I'd have as much chance of that happenins as winning the lottery...

As I watch the last car pull out of the parking lot... I wondered once again...  will i ever be just an acquaintance to him...?

I guess... sooner or later.. I'll find out... but for now.. It's time for me to go HOME.....

Love Actually

love poster
Originally uploaded by fullyloaded.

I just finished watching Love Actually and my eyes are red and swollen from crying...

It's a funny thing really... watching a love story after getting my heart broken just a day before... I expected myself to be cynical, to be contemptous and most of all to despise the happiness that characters were showing in the film...

BUT I wasn't... I was surprised to find myself actually happy for them... I know that they are not real characters, but in a way, the characters in the film represent real people and real lives and what happened in the movie, albeit a little exaggerated do happen a lot in real life... Art imitates life... and sometimes.. art imitates life close to perfection...

After watching the movie, i felt hopeful... and genuinely happy... I'm happy when i see couples because even though Love doesn't work for me now, it weaves its own magic in the lives of other people and that in turn gives me hope... hope that someday... when the right person comes... love will be sweeter for both of us... because love is something to wait for... maybe worth a lifetime for...

My tears were not that of sorrow nor jealousy for the characters and their love stories... I cried because I saw how beautiful love can be with the right person.... at the right time...

Maybe we weren't meant to be this time... but who knows what tomorrow will bring right?

I will not watch my life go down the drain because of one person, I am determined now more than ever to enjoy it... To live life to the fullest, and IF just in case, he does turn around and we end up in each other's arms.. .there will be no regret on my part... because i certainly lived my life the way it was supposed to be lived... with happy moments, painful moments and glorious moments...

I don't know what i'll feel tomorrow when i wake up, nor what i will be thinking for the next few days... but I am sure that whatever happens... Love will find a way to me...

And so with this, I close another chapter of my life... yesterday I found the closure I was looking for... Today I am starting to accept it... and TOmorrow... will be another adventure...

Coz' LOVE is ACTUALLY all round us...

It is as it should be... (Closure Final Part)

12 Hours earlier, I finally told him how i felt... I finally broke free from my silence and fessed up to the feelings that were welling up inside of me...

I wrote him a letter, and read it in front of him, i figured that if i wrote everything down, i would be able to say everything i wanted... and i was able to do so... I asked him a favor... i asked him to tell me straight up whether he has space in his life for me... and this is what he said...


"I have space in my life for you... but only as a friend..."


THe words knocked the air out of my lungs... I guess i knew this was coming...

"I don't want to hurt you... it's just i'm with somebody i love..."


"I'll never forget you... it took a lot of courage to do what you did today... you deserve someone better than me... someone who can return your affections in the way that i can't..."


His words ring in my ears up until now... I don't really know how i feel... partly i'm sad that my affections remain unrequited, and partly i'm relieved that it's finally over... I've said my piece... I've finally owned up to my emotions... to what i've been feeling for the past few months...

I told him that i might disappear for a while, to go someplace where i can try to forget him.. although i think a lifetime is not enough for me to forget... I know i can do this... i just need time.

Someday i hope i can look him in the eye again and be happy... be his friend... someday i guess... but for now, i have to think of ME, of my own happiness and how i can survive this... Someday...

This is the closure i seek... It may not have happened they way i wanted it to happen, but this is closure nonetheless... i can finally stop wondering if he feels something for me because... it is finally settled... everything...

IS AS IT SHOULD BE...

The Truth Shall Set Us Free (Closure Part II)

They say that the truth shall set us all free... But free from what?

Is it freedom from the inner turmoil that threaten to wreak havoc on our already confused and disturbed minds that we seek by telling the truth?

Or is it freedom from the shackles that bind our innermost desires that we hope to obtain?

I have so many things to say... but i find myself at a loss for words to articulate how much i care for him... I have four days to prepare... four days until the truth that i seek will be at hand... four days until i set my emotions free and hold my heart out on my sleeve...

I'm afraid... scared shitless of what will happen next... will he choose me?  Deep down inside i know that he won't... i guess this is the closure i seek...

Love is a funny thing... It bites you right in the ass and you can't even feel it... not until it's too late to put any medicine... Don't get me wrong... I don't see love as an affliction, nor do i detest such feelings brought about my hormones rushing through our brain... but sometimes... being in love is hard... it's no walk through the park...

The truth shall set us free... there it is again... the words mock me with its simplicity...

Closure

My mind is restless... my heart confused and dazed... I have yet to fully understand and realize what I feel for you... 

Deep down inside, I know that we can never be... well.. not as of the moment... you're with somebody else, and it would just be wrong for me to muscle in on your relationship... I want so much to be with you, to be the one to take care of you and to plan the future with you in mind... but all of these must be kept on hold until you're free and until you choose me...

I don't even know what you feel for me.. whether you see me as a friend, a potential boyfriend... or someone you can spend your whole life with...

I need to talk to you... to tell you what i feel so that i can find closure... the question now is... do i have the guts to tell you what i feel?... that all together is another thing...

Objects of our affections

object poster
Originally uploaded by fullyloaded.

I just finished watching Object of My Affection starring Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston. The last time I watched that movie, it was in 1998, I was a college undergraduate back then and the movie made such an impact on me, and the choices I made in life. After I watched the movie for the first time, I had mixed emotions, I couldn’t understand or I guess I didn’t want to understand how I was attracted to Nina (Jennifer’s character) and yet fell in love with George (Paul’s character).

Even before seeing the movie, I knew that there was something different with me. Like George, I tried to fall in love with my girl classmates during high school and even in college, but I found that I liked my guy classmates more. I guess the movie made me come to terms with who I am, when I was definitely least prepared to do so.

Fast forward 5 years and here I am, still confused, but a little enlightened. When I was younger, my teachers would ask me how I envisioned my life to be when I grew up, and I always had the ready answer. I’d say that I will become a successful lawyer, own the picturesque home, be married to a beautiful wife, have 2-3 children and even own a pet dog. Pretty silly huh? Nope, not for me it wasn’t, not even one bit. After seeing the movie in 1998 and after making big decisions in my life, I wonder whether the dream I concocted can still be a reality.

I guess that’s why they call it a dream, because no matter how hard we try, dreams stay where they are: in our minds and in our souls. I have to agree that some people get to live their dreams, but in reality, they don’t get to live the whole, but only parts and parcels of their dreams. Ever since we were little, we have been bombarded with the idea that at a certain age, we have to get married and settle down. I used to adhere to that idea, hey, I still do, but somehow it all seems pretentious. I know that much now after living 23 years of my life. Life is not about having the perfect job, the perfect wife, and the perfect family… I guess life is about making choices, specially the hard ones that change your life forever.

I’m gay… I’ve accepted that now. As hard as it was for me at first to accept, it is as equally hard for me to tell people about this diverse lifestyle. And as much as I abhor keeping secrets, I’m still hiding, “in-the-closet” as some people would call it…afraid, scared shitless to be found out. Mostly, I’m afraid that once people know about this little fact, they’ll change.

It’s sad really that they don’t see that I’m still the same person they met before I told them about my sexuality. The only thing that’s different is that I sleep with guys and not girls. I know, I know, that it’s a big difference, but being gay doesn’t mean that I’m the devil incarnate, nor does it mean that I’m not the person they became friends with in the first place.

How can some fail to recognize, that when I tell them this fact, it just means that I want them to know the real me, and not some pretentious guy. But as I said, people have such low tolerance when it comes to people who they perceive as different from the standards set by society. It’s true that nowadays, gay people are widely tolerated if not accepted, but when the gay person is your brother, sister, mother, father or even your best friend; people tend to flinch and move away and look at them differently, like their seeing that person for the first time.

We all want the picket fences, the children and all that brady-bunch stuff, but what it all boils down to is that: we all want to live our life to the fullest. Gay people and straight people alike, have more things in common unlike what most people think. We all want to have someone to grow old with, someone to share our success and failures. It’s not easy to take the road less traveled, to traverse the path covered with tall grass, unable to see what’s in front, behind or all around you. It takes strength and character to live the different life.

I don’t know what will happen to me in the future, at best, I can only make a blueprint of my life from my experiences and from the lessons that sometimes may be hard to learn, and fervently hope that I stay true to the blueprint.

Life – as a singer once said – has a funny way of sneaking up behind you when you least expect it to. Most of the time, life has the tendency to hit you right where it hurts. The best one can do, is learn from those times and try to adjust your life so that when it happens again, you’ll be prepared.

Its hard not being able to tell your friends who you really are, fearing that when you do, they’ll look the other way and say that it’s alright when in truth it’s not. I admire those who look at fear in the eye and say “fuck them” but I’m not one of those guys. Not now I guess, someday maybe I will, but for now, I have to do what is expected of me, so that when the time comes when I pursue my own happiness, I can proudly say that I’ve done my best to live the life required of me, and that it’s now my time to live my life and find my own happiness.

A wise woman told her son that “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get”, and I believe that it is so. Sometimes you get the bitter ones, and sometimes, the sweet ones. Still, you get to have the whole box, and it’s a life-long adventure finding that chocolate which is neither too sweet nor too bitter and say this is just right.

Who am I?

Who am I?

I have yet to answer that question... 23 years have passed since i was brought to this world, and yet the answer still eludes me... I guess we were never meant to know who we really are, because if that happened, life would cease to be an adventure.

The search for the true me has led me to different paths, some clear and cemented, while others, rocky and dark... The thing I've noticed though, is that the times that I came close to knowing myself were the times I chose the rocky and dark path. The clear and easy path showed only a facade, a superficial me, that most could see and many favored. Unfortunately, that is not who I am.

I have to admit, I am scared shitless just thinking of taking the dark and rocky path... so many uncertainties, the road seems long and winding... and most of all... I fear that i don't have the strength to make the journey.

BUT... i have made a decision, I will try to take the dark and rocky path... someone once said "It's all in the mind" and there is some truth to that matter... maybe the path is not really that dark and rocky... maybe I am just telling myself that it is dark and rocky... who knows right?

With this... I now start my journey...